the sistas h

I had a delightful day with two delightful sisters. Both of which I have adopted as my own younger sisters.

Each special in their own way, they both suffer from considerable stress from their parentals (mostly one). It's frustrating to see how they struggle and to know that their mother doesn't know or understand them nearly well enough...to the point that she may be causing irreparable damage in each of their respective relationships. It's hard to shut down my sociological imagination.

It makes me sad...for everyone. At the same time though, it makes me grateful. Learning from the bad choices that other parents are making? Will make it all the more easy to raise my own kid....Though I'm sure she's gonna be hella screwed up in her own special way. I'm as nutty as a fruitcake and I'm fully aware that some of that is getting passed on.

So yeah.  Mixed feelings. But overall thankful for the learning experience, and to be part of the lives of two extraordinary people.

Even though life generally sucks right now, I am surrounded by truly wonderful people (near and far!), so I have many things to be thankful for.

That is all.

pacification

I'm going to be working on cleaning out my new home in a few hours. I've been there before, but haven't really had time to grasp what needs to be done. I'm sure it isn't a lot, as this wonderful family has opened their home to others in the past, so the space is pretty ready for living.

I just need it to be ready for me....and given the fact that every single time I even begin to pack my stuff up here (or even think too much about it), I die a little inside, I should try to be as productive as possible in other areas.

I'm not handling life as well as I should. A small breakdown earlier in the week has left me with a lingering sadness. I told a friend tonight that my inner child was just having a tantrum right now...and it'll pass. I hope that's the case. I don't like tearing up every few minutes because I'm overwhelmed with this feeling that I have somehow failed. That I chose the wrong path or there is something that is inherently wrong with the way I'm approaching applying for jobs that is stopping me before I can even begin. 

So...yeah. I'll allow myself to be a grumpy bitch for the rest of the week. And then...it's time to get my shit together. Both physically and emotionally.

That is all.

moving on (ish)

I'm taking some time to regroup. Another drawn out job rejection has my head spinning.

I'm moving out of my lovely apartment (which I cannot afford any longer), into a soon-to-be-lovely basement that I'm lucky enough to have the chance to live in. No rent. Just time to catch up on life. Find some direction. And maybe babysit some awesome kids from time to time.

I've come to the unfortunate realization that a MA in Soc is worth very little in this economy and people just don't seem to be willing to take the leap between what they think they want in an applicant, and what I know I'm able to offer. I love teaching, but I need more than what I'm getting right now. There are a few possibilities out of state, but moving is expensive and it seems more responsible to stay in The Bend for a bit.

Mayhaps I'll swallow my pride and take a job that doesn't necessarily utilize my skill set. Or use the time to work in a place that financially pays shit, but is incredibly rewarding in every other aspect (which would be pretty okay if I didn't have a shit ton of debt).

So...yeah. Moving again. But not far.

lies

You're never gonna love me, so what's the use?
What's the point in playing a game you're gonna lose?
What's the point in saying you love me like a friend?
What's the point in saying it's never gonna end?

You're to proud to say that you've made a mistake
You're a coward to the end
I don't wanna admit, but we're not gonna fit
No, I'm not the type that you like
Why don't we just pretend?

Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know oh
I can't let you go, can't let you go oh
I just want it to be perfect
To believe it's all been worth the fight
Lies, don't wanna know, don't wanna know oh

You only ever touch me in the dark
Only if we're drinking can you see my spark
And only in the evening that you give yourself to me
Cause the night is your woman, and she'll set you free

You're to proud to say that you've made a mistake
You're a coward to the end
I don't wanna admit, but we're not gonna fit
No, I'm not the type that you like
Why don't we just pretend?

barbie makeover

Shelby and I had a delightful time revamping Barbie for her class project tonight. We ended up doing a split with one half being super motivated and wearing a graduation gown (which I totally sewed on...a bit), and the other side wearing a barely there dress surrounded by makeshift red solo cups.

It was a fun task. Really good times. Before we started, and even during, we had some great chats about gender roles and beauty expectations. It's nice to have that kind of discourse--I could totally use more of it.

There are just certain people that get...certain aspects of you. That you can talk about certain things with. Video games, theory, teaching, James Spader, wrestling, etc. It's not that conversations are limited to these topics, but it's nice to know when you've got a captivated (and reciprocal) audience.

So yeah. Life may be a clusterfuck right now. But I'm surrounded by good people. Even from a distance.

That is all.

temptation

Heaven
A gateway to hope
Just like a feeling
I need, it's no joke
And though it hurts me
To see you this way
They traded by words
I'd never heard
To hard to say them
Up, down, turn around; please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I walk alone to find my soul desire to go home
Oh it's the last time, it's the last time
Each way I turn
I know I'll always try
To break the circle
That has been placed round me
From time to time
I find our lost meaning
That was urgent
To myself
I don't believe
And I've never met anyone quite like you before
Oh, up, down, turn around; please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I walk alone, to find my soul desire to go home

a lovely night

I had one of those lovely nights out tonight in which I felt completely at ease, and just really happy to be myself.

So...I'm...vocal. Loud. Talkative. Friendly. Chatty. Sociable. Whatev. I know that I can be too much...for some people. But that's not really my problem. I am perfectly content with laughing so loudly in public that everyone in my immediate surrounding stops to take a look just to see what the fuck is going on. It's laughter. It's a good thing. Srsly.

I completely lost my shit earlier. Like, lost it. Quite literally in the middle of the restaurant. There was no containing it. And it felt. So. Good.

There's nothing quite like getting caught in a very public giggle fit. The general lack of permission for that type of behavior makes it all the more ridiculous, and merely perpetuates more insanity. In the best possible way.

That is all.

look

If I looked how I feel...

I would be a small child
Cranking a jack-in-the-box
Terrified of it opening
But eager for the pop

I just had a student inform me that her small child was admitted to the hospital for having suicidal thoughts. The child is less than 10 yrs. old. What horrible life events/experiences/feelings/etc. have pushed him into such a dark place?

Ugh. Simply terrible.

like

Complete this thought:

I like...


I like being in the rain and not worrying about the drops on my glasses. This rarely happens though. But there are times...which are so exquisitely rare, that I relinquish all control and embrace the rain. I relish those moments and wish there were more of them.

moving on up....or something.

I've got some decisions to make...rather soon. My lease is up at the end of May and I need to decide if I'm going to stay here in this apartment...or even in this city by next week*. I may be able to rent a house from a friend of a friend, but she spends all her time in Switzerland (no joke), so it's been hard to connect and I really don't have a lot of time to wait.

Though I've met some great people, I haven't had much luck with this town. Jobbing has been one headache after the other and though I am teaching full-time now, who knows what I'll be teaching next quarter. I need some financial stability and I'm just not sure this town can provide that.

I absolutely hate the thought of moving again--I would like to stay in one place for more than a year. Since graduation (and even the months leading up to it), I've felt like such a nomad. I had wonderful people who took me in, but everything felt so tenuous. Frown.

For tonight (so I can sleep), I'm going to think about all the possibilities my future holds. Not being tied down is actually a big perk, so I should focus on that more and quit being so whiny.

There. I've decided.

Yayay uncertain future!

That is all.




*And by next week I mean close of business today. I didn't let the apartment manager know of my decision either way, so she could technically be making it for me at this point. I may already be moving out and just don't know it yet.

i go to the barn because i like the...

well i'd like to think i'm the mess you'd wear with pride.
like some empty dress on the bed you've laid out for tonight.
maybe i'll tell you sometime.

time. sometime.

and you were right.

right.
you were right.
outside, by your doorstep
in a worn out suit and tie.
i'll wait
for you to come down
where you'll find me
where we'll shine.

somebody that i used to know

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can be addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

entertainment

Write about a time that you were inspired by entertainment.

I saw Leonard Cohen a few years ago and it was amazing. When he sang Hallelujah, I was in tears. It was the closest thing I had to a religious/spiritual experience in a very long time.

shrinking growth

I recently read that the number of people it takes to connect to a familiar person is down from 6 (recall six degrees of separation) to about 4.5*. I've read so much lately and unfortunately I can't remember where this info comes from (I'm thinking it was discovered when I was editing book chapters).

Regardless, I can't seem to wrap my head around this. That number seems entirely too small. Maybe it just applies to defined groups like college campuses, states, or other communities. I mean, I understand the theory, but....Damn.

I'm not really sure why this is bothering me so. I'm usually not surprised to find out friends know each other peripherally or through other friends....maybe I'm just troubled by the fact that this was quantified. Almost as if someone is trying to take the mystery out of our "random" connections to make them not so random anymore. Then again, maybe the goal is to make the world seem a little less imposing and a little more friendly.

And just for fun:


Still works.

That is all.


*I think. It might not be quite as extreme, but the number has definitely decreased.

there is a crack in everything

Boundary

Write about a boundary you have set:

I've been working on setting boundaries lately. Mostly with relationships. Certain people just can't have access to...me (to a certain extent) anymore because they've hurt me too much in the past. With one particular person, I'm still willing to listen and occasionally reach out, but I've put up firm boundaries so I don't get hurt again. Safety first.

Also--no coffee after 8 p.m.--I used to hate coffee. Even the smell of it would make me gag. Now I find myself craving it. Especially after midnight. Go figure.

four year itch

I realized last night that it has been exactly* four years since I started this blog. And because sleep is for the weak, I thought it'd be entertaining to review more than 1,000 posts. Ramblings, song lyrics, poems, occasional thought dumps, and some pretty genuine outpourings of emotion. It was nice to have a place for such things, but, as I keep reminding my students--you need to be careful what you put out into the universe (or interwebs as the case may be).

So, yeah. Out with old, in with the new. Or something.

[insert sentiment about spring encouraging a fresh start. flowers blooming and whatnot]



* with the exception of one measly post in February...