AAHHH!!! TV SUPERSTAR! or something.

10,000 words + 25 pages = exhaustion.

That is all.

Feeling Patriotic...

At the end of my senior year of high school, I received a lovely scholarship and with it--an article in the paper about my plans for the future. At the time, I was planning on going to law school....something which is still in the back of my head...


The picture was taken in the courtroom where I was an intern. I was so excited! Not because of getting my picture taken...or even the article. I got to sit in the judge's chair at one point. It was so...moving. To be able to see what they see. To feel the responsibility of that seat. It was overwhelming.

And a very fond memory.

Remember this feeling

coworkers just got back from the meeting about our office review. i wasn't invited to the meeting because--apparently i've only been here a year so i don't really matter. i was told that the meeting was about XX, not about any one of us. however--the other 2 got to go, why wasn't i allowed?

when i asked them questions about the meeting, the answers were vague at best. as if they learned nothing new. and maybe they didn't. apparently there's going to be another meeting sometime in january in which the two bosses--jesuit vs. bishop-- talk. so i have to wait til then to find out more...

the only concrete news that i did find out is that i'm getting reviewed on friday. i've been here a year, so it's time, they said. fact check: my year anniversary was in september-they should have done it then. seems like yet another weird occurence.

i am so completely frustrated right now. i was essentially told that i'm not part of an organization that i uprooted my life for.

fuck that.

What I Know

It's been a few emotionally challenging weeks.

First a twist with Chaos, and now a proposal for Balance. Each came out of nowhere...but didn't. I've been having weird dreams and feelings the last few weeks. Almost as if I knew something (s) was going to happen. Which I know is ridiculous. But still.

Chaos and I started talking again a little while ago. Nothing serious. Just occasional chats. We had decided that, despite all of the shit we've put each other through, we were both important enough to the other to try to make a friendship work. And it was working. We were in a really nice, dare I say healthy and...non-chaotic place. Sigh. And then the change. He decided to finally cut someone out of his life for the sake of a relationship...me. And although it hurts, I get it. I'm clearly a threat because he has never cut anyone out before. Not like this anyway. I'm apparently not the kind of girl that girlfriends want around. In any capacity.

And now Balance has proposed to his girlfriend. The girl who started out as a friend and needed a place to stay. A girl just like me. Shortly after they started dating I had some big time "what if" feelings..and now. Sigh. Now I can't help but think, yet again, what if I had said yes to living with him all those times. What if I had chosen the balance he offered instead chaos from Alex? I would have been the one living with him. Maybe the one dating him. And eventually the one engaged to him? Who knows? There are so many variables to consider...and it's probably incredibly unhealthy that I dwell on it too much.

So yeah. My two favorite forces have been beating me up in a big way lately. It hurts. I'm hurting. And I'm tired of dwelling on and being suffocated by the same relationships. It isn't healthy.

It's time for a change. If I can only make the leap.

A fear that's been lurking in the back of my mind has been realized. Translation: I woke up this morning to find that my beloved Balance is engaged.

I haven't quite figured out how to process it. I knew it was coming. I should have been more prepared. And I like her. I should be happy.

I should.

So why does it feel like someone is choking me?

unfinished post from last night

Laying on my bed, surrounded by pillows and enveloped in Chaos's shirt, I find myself thinking about Balance. Sigh. Some things never change. Even if we want them to.

I don't want to forever feel that I blew my chance with Balance. That I've somehow missed out on true love because I let my soul's counterpart to slip away.

I also don't want to continually judge relationships by the unrealistic standards that the relationship between Chaos and I established. Passion and fire are important, yes, but it's impossible to maintain such high levels indefinitely...right?

I..sigh.

Full of it

I'm dying.
Of this I am fairly certain.
I suck at breathing.
I feel like I've been assaulted.

My refrigerator is full of 'ades.
My cabinet's full of soup.
My head is full of snot.
My body's full of drugs.

Fuck.

60.24

Today's Writing Prompt: Nervous

What nervous habit(s) do you have?

I do the normal stuff like biting fingernails and tapping toes. And sometimes I yawn or fake yawn...usually when I'm struggling for words. It's kind of like a stall tactic. Or something.

Halloween fun!

Inside Our Love

Leonard Cohen, Book of Longing

I want to love you now
I want to love you then
I want to love you never
And then begin again

All the tassels of my belt
Go flying in the sky
When you bend down to laugh at me
From your place on high

I want to be the fool
The one you send away
After you have used him up
Every second day

I want to be the rose
You beckon with a yawn
Limping on a thorny crutch
Across the burning lawn

See what you have done to me
As if you give a shit
I used to live behind a line
But now I'm over it

I won't come back to say goodbye
I'll never leave your side
Until I am the other man
And you are someone's bride

Sit down on my memory
When you are in pain
When you are in pleasure
Sit down on it again

Thank you for your courtesy
And for your drunken kiss
I'm drunker than you'll ever be
I hate to tell you this