Weird

I got a phone call from Keym today telling me that the brother of the man who killed Marva was shot last night. Shot in the city that I live in! No one even knew he was in this area. How incredibly weird... My head might be spinning.

Ha. So I was listening to SModcast...

"...All this time we've been telling kids that Santa lives on the North Pole. They'd just have to look it up on the internet though to learn that Santa can't live on a shifting land mass!"

Smile.

littliest things

Sometimes I find myself sitting back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissing
And I remember when you started calling me your Mrs.
All the play fighting
All the flirtatious disses
I’d tell you sad stories about my childhood
I dunno why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We’d spend the whole weekend
Lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy
In your boxers and your t-shirt

Dreams, dreams of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, it seems
That I can’t shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too?

The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but it’s so true
I know it’s not right but it seems unfair
That thing’s are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on
Tell me
Is this the end?

Drinkin’ tea in bed, watchin’ DVD’s
When I discovered all your dirty, grotty magazines
You’d take me out shopping
And all we’d buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
The first time that you introduced me to your friends
And you could that tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
When I was feeling down, you’d make that face you do
There’s no-one in the world who could replace you

I'm not Screaming

So it looks like I may be staying here this weekend. Alas, I was entirely prepared for a trip back to my hometown. To see all my beloved friends. Sigh...I was also planning on having a "Scream" marathon. Not to mention the "Hocus Pocus" tradition. Keym and Nate: what ever shall we do...? (I'm not sure I can find a hook to put anyone on...I mean, I could probably find someone to play with but...I digress...)

Now what am I going to do this weekend? Not that I was really planning on dressing up or anything, but I was really looking forward to going....well. To going home. It's funny. Northwest Indiana is technically my home now. It's where I live, where I work. But...what's that silly saying? Home is where the heart is? I guess my heart just isn't here yet. Not completely.

So yeah. This is me being whiny. And not sleeping. Whew! I'm glad that never happens!

That is all.

killing me softly

Strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song,
Telling my whole life with his words, killing me softly with his song.
I heard he sang a good song, I heard he had a style,
And so I came to see him to listen for a while.
And there he was this young boy, a stranger to my eyes,
Strumming my pain with his fingers,
Singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song,
telling my whole life with his words, killing me softly with his song.
I felt all flushed with fever, embarrassed by the crowd,
I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud.
I prayed that he would finish, but he just kept right on strumming my pain
with his fingers, singing my life with his words,
Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly with his song, telling my
whole life with his words, killing me softly with his song

Mind Your Own Gap!

At the repair shop today, the mechanic kept flicking my "mind the gap" keychain that I bought in London. (I would giggle whenever we were in the underground and the announcer would warn us to mind the gap between the train and the platform...cause it wasn't enough that it was written everywhere...and I bought a keychain to remember the happy times).


Focus.

I didn't appreciate the mechanic guy, who had probably just overcharged my female ass, flicking my souvenir. I reclaimed my keys as soon as I could. Hmmph.

That is all.

Bedness

So I was trying to go to sleep and this stupid thought popped into my head. Something that happens every morning, but only for the briefest of moments. When I wake up, for a few seconds I am disoriented, not quite sure where I'm at. I've been quite the nomad until recently, staying with wonderful friends. In different beds. I got used to it though. I knew that I was at one of the um...sigh...I don't know how many beds I slept in. (My that sounded a bit whorish!). I got used to different environments. But now, even though I've been here for more than a month, and even though I know that this is where I live...I still have those few seconds of grief in the morning before the facts sink in. Thankfully, I usually forget my weirdness by the time my feet hit the floor. I'm not sure why it decided to hit me now?

Maybe this is why I haven't been sleeping too well lately. My body is starting to recognize sounds that don't belong, etc. instead of just blocking out most stimuli like it seemed to do in "foreign" environments. Which I suppose is a good sign. A sign that I'm getting settled. Or, maybe I'm just going through one of those dumb phases again and sleeping and I won't be friends for a while. Awesome.

Events of the Day

Woke up
Drove to repair shop
Stayed at said shop for hours
Tried to figure out how to pay for repairs
Said "Fuck" to the mechanic
Cried on the phone
Got a credit increase
Tried to pay for repairs
Found out I had to wait 24 hrs
Said "Fuck" under my breath
Left car at repair shop
Walked home in a dress and heels
Ate french fries for lunch
Fed cat packet of Ketchup
Watched cat throw up all over the floor
Cleaned up after cat
Took a nap to ease migraine
Woke up hours later
Finished watching Iron Man
Cleaned like a mofo
Made cheese sauce for the first time
Ate dinner
Shampooed the carpets
Took a much needed shower
Chatted
Got bummed
Cheered up
Read a bit
In bed before midnight
But will I sleep?

tired

Hold my hand
While you cut me down
It had only just begun
But now it's over now
And your
In the heat of moments
With your heart
Playing up cold
I'm between the middle
Watching hastiness unfold
In my eyes
Your were smiling
In the spotlight dancing
With the night
The night fell
Off your mind

I'm tired of trying
Your teasing ain't enough
Fed up of biding your time
When I don't get nothing back
And for and for and for
When don't get nothing back
Boy, i'm tired

Where'd you go
When you stay behind
I looked up and inside down
And outside only to find
A double taking punching hard
And laughing at my smile
I get closer you
Obviously prefer her

Never mind said
Your open arms
I couldn't help
Believe they tricked me
Back into them

Don't Stop Til You Get Enough...Or Something

Thumbs down to car problems! I skidded through a red light tonight. Apparently the brakes on my loner car have decided to revolt against me! Another problem? My wonderful mechanic is now 4 hours away, so I'm actually going to have to find someone to work on my car. For the first time in years.

And, given the shit system we have, I imagine that I'll probably resent life tomorrow, or at least the fact that I don't have that stupid Y gene. I can already feel it now. I'm going to be screwed big time tomorrow. "Silly girl who doesn't know anything about cars. Let's take her for all she's got..." Dane Cook's rant is already running through my head. "Oh, a unicorn's running around in there? Gee, I didn't know I had a mythological creature in there. What? Eight grand? Oh yeah. That sounds about right. Thanks for not fucking me big time!"

Or, maybe I'll get lucky and find someone who's not gonna screw me. Step one into fighting the system? Not buying into it.

So yeah. We'll see...

Hyde Park

I'm missing London today!!

The Shit

I had a big meeting last night at work. A meeting which we have been planning for the last month. A research advisory committee made up of important community members. Which pretty much translates to a bunch of intimidating people telling me what I should do. But here's the thing...what I got out of the meeting was that I am the most important person in my office. I'm the one who will create change. I, I, I. Me, me, me.

And I freaked out a bit after the meeting. I mean, I knew it was an important job. That was one of the reasons I wanted it so badly. All of the awesome things I could do. I guess I just didn't realize how important my position is. How much I can do. How many people I could potentially help.

So yeah. I am the shit. Which is funny, because I may or may not be scared shitless...

Jimmy

I miss the time we spent together
The way that you would hum as I would sing
How you moved me along in life
The comfort you would provide
Your replacement is nice
But I still miss you
Sigh
Someone please tell me why
Why did my head gasket have to blow?

stranded

You know it only breaks my heart
To see you standing in the dark alone
Waiting there for me to come back
I'm too afraid to show
If it's coming over you
Like it's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to the sea
And I wanna be with you
And you wanna be with me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
And I don't wanna be
Stranded, stranded, stranded, stranded
I can only take so much
These tears are turning me to rust
I know you're waiting there for me to
come back
I'm to afraid to show
I miss you, I need you
Without you, I'm stranded
I love you so come back
I'm not afraid to show

gone but not forgotten

Marva Rhea, Victim of Domestic Violence

Confusion

I'm confused about lots of things
I find you to be confusing
I do things,
Say things to you that embarrass me
And I don't embarrass easily
Yet I keep doing them
Causing more confusion

I asked if we were okay
And you took it the wrong way
I ask if everyone's okay
Just to make sure I'm clear,
That there isn't any confusion
But guess what it caused?

It's okay though
Because I know who I am
What I do
Some things I can't change
And while I may be confused about...
Many things
I know myself
No confusion

And I'm okay with this overly dramatic outpouring
Because I clearly like Confusion
I'm not confused about that.

Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence

So I've been at a domestic violence conference all day. It has been a completely rewarding experience. I am lucky to be here. Lucky to be one of the practitioners trying to eliminate violence. Lucky to not be one of the victims of physical violence. It hit me on the drive to Indianapolis. Even before I made it to the conference. All sorts of feelings that I've been trying to repress...resurfaced today.

The speaker during lunch today was a survivor of domestic violence. Her name was Susan Still. Her speech moved me to tears. Multiple times.

Needless to say, the day has been overwhelming. Informative, yes. But overwhelming.

I went down to the bar after I took a very well deserved, very long nap. While there, I made friends with some ladies from the conference. Wonderful, passionate women. (Who also bought me drinks by the way...apparently I was a hit with the ladies...as well as the men, because I was getting free drinks right and left!). And I've decided it had everything to do with the cleavage...

I know, I know. Doesn't seem right. In fact, some of the ladies gave me a thumbs down because they said I was flirting. BUT!! I totally wasn't. I was just being friendly. Granted I did smile a lot, but I was just trying to be friendly. And it worked. I got a guy to talk about numerous uncomfortable things, with what I believe to be sincere honesty. So I don't feel bad for smiling. And besides. That's who I be. So call me a whore if you'd like. Fall into the ridiculous social constraints. Whatev.

I eventually united with the ladies who were originally hating on my methods..well, my personality. ( I started out at the bar, by myself, on my laptop). And it was rather delightful. We were joined by a man, who I will refer to as Ray, because that's the only name I could remember...he looked like Ray Liotta, you see.... We talked about many things. Some serious. Some less serious. But...what I learned...and this is the most important thing...is that I am entirely a force. A force, and forgive the cliche, a force to be reckoned with. And this became apparent 0nce again tonight. Poor Ray didn't stand a chance against me. Or my feminine wiles, which I was apparently exuding profusely...I didn't intend to. Apparent, that's also who I be...

I was reminded tonight. In my slightly drowsy and intoxicated state, that...despite my best efforts at being a peaceful, and understanding person, I have a powerful personality. Something that cannot be hidden or disguised, or even subdued. At one point tonight, this was acknowledged...and to be honest? It made me extremely uncomfortable. I know on some level, I should embrace the gifts that I have apparently been given...but at the same time, I doubt my ability to affect others. So I've clearly got some cognitive dissonance going on...And I keep thinking of that stupid Spiderman quote, "With great power comes great responsibility"...

I am in the right place. Today, no matter how painful, was exactly where I was supposed to be. Doing what I should be doing. Coming to this realization has given me an enormous feeling of peace. Of serenity. Though, it could just be all the free drinks.

Dinner with Non-Communicative Founder

I just got back from having dinner in Chicago with the founder of the organization that I work for. At first, I liked him. Ted. After all, he is the pseudo-father of the organization. And at the end of dinner, I liked Ted. (He paid you see...and with 5 cocktails, 4 glasses of wine, 4 dinners, 2 bowls of chowder, 1 salad, 1 desert, and more than $300 later, we all were appreciate of him). During the middle portion though? Not so much. I asked him very nicely to explain why he started the organization. To which he responded with, "It doesn't matter why or how I started it, what you want the future to be is the most important thing." And I agree with him to some extent. The future of a company is definitely important, but so are its roots.

It's been around for more than 20 years, and I wanted to know how it has evolved. Strengths, weaknesses, etc. The conversation moved on, but I eventually brought up the question of where our goals come from. Why they exist. I threw him a flashy smile. I may have involuntarily winked. Hell. I may have even tossed my hair. But, to quote Cher from the cinematic classic "Clueless," I was brutally rebuffed. He was so insistent upon evading my questions that I eventually became irritated with him.

And, um...have I mentioned that Ted is a Catholic priest?...he brought up abortion and, among other things, said something along the lines of if churches were doing their jobs, there would be no need for abortion. It was at this point that my fake smile, which I know had been terribly convincing, faded. I turned my entire body towards him and gave him a lecture on the importance of comprehensive sex education rather than the current administration's love for abstinence only ed. Teaching kids how to protect themselves is far more important, and more realistic than just telling them not to have sex. This, I pointed out, was also a pitfall with many religious organizations (I didn't need to point out Catholicism's dislike for birth control). I ranted for a bit while longer until I felt that I had highlighted the flaws in his logic.

Ted ordered another drink (which by the way included an olive with blue cheese crammed in it. ick!) and changed the subject.

Sigh. I'm not even sure if any of what I wrote made sense. I'm extremely tired and have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn to drive to Indianapolis for a domestic violence conference.

Goody. I hope there will be pictures.

(Sidenote: I am excited about the conference, just not about the waking up part).

So,

Pictures Took Over My Night

So it's kind of late. And tomorrow is evil Monday. Blech. I brought stuff home to read, but never got around to it. Sigh. I'm already tired, so I can imagine tomorrow will be the big suck. But I am having dinner in Chicago...so I have something to look forward to.

Maybe I'll close my office door for a bit and take a nap or something. That's professional, right? It's a shame I have a stupid window into the hallway. Otherwise I could just pretend to be working. Or something....I think I've seen too many movies!

As If You Needed More...

Finally! Pictures!

One Month Anniversary

So I've officially had this residence for one month. And because I'm super lame, I haven't taken pictures of anything. So...that will be my goal for the day. Once I track down batteries. And my camera. And probably after a nap.

So I'm getting ready to send out an olive branch. I've been fighting it off for the last few weeks. Then I realized that I was just denying who I was. The core of who I am as a person. And I felt silly. So yeah. Off you go olive branch...do your thing. Grow.

my same

You said I'm stubborn
And I never give in
I think you're stubborn
'Cept you're always softening
You say I'm selfish
I agree with you on that
I think you're giving out
In way too much in fact
I say we've only known
Each other one year
You say I've known
You longer my dear
You like to be so close
I like to be alone
I like to sit on chairs
And you prefer the floor
Walking with each other
Think we'd never
Match at all
But we do
I thought I knew myself
Somehow you know me more
I've never known this
Never before
You're the first
To make out
Whenever we are two
I don't know who I'd be
If I didn't know you
You're so provocative
I'm so conservative
You're so adventurous
I'm so very cautious
Combining
You think
We would and we do
But we do
Favoritism
Ain't my thing
But in this situation
I'll be glad
To make an exception

Adulthood

Today I became an official member of the working world. I gave out business cards....

I thought that just having business cards would make me feel a bit more adult, and it did, but it was nothing when compared to being asked, "Can I have your card?"...

Oh, and even though the coworker who went with me is an involved member of the community, a priest, etc. I was the responsible one- he totally fell asleep during the presentation and I had to sneakily wake him up. (And the speaker commented on his dozing after the presentation...I blushed for him!).

I also found out today that I get to have dinner with the founder of the organization that I work for. Apparently we're going to a French restaurant in Chicago. Um...awesome!

After all the excitement though, my brain was considerably fried by the time we got back to the office. So, rather than trying to read through appellate briefs, I reorganized the storage closet. It's surprising how fast time can go by when playing with office supplies!

After work though, I lost my grasp on adulthood. I regressed a bit, turning into a tired, cranky toddler who needed a nap. So I slept. For hours. And when I woke up I watched a cheesy Adam Sandler movie. Oh well. I'm sure that, like everything else, adventures into adulthood are best done in moderation.

Not Sleeping Part 346

I'm thinking about an enormous amount of things tonight. None of which I can seem to keep straight. None of which have any business being in my head right now. I have some good feelings. I have some bad feelings. And the normal in between stuff. But right now I should be sleeping. I'm going to be quite grumpy tomorrow. And I have a meeting with a social policy group, so I'm gonna need to put on the cheerfulness. Maybe I could just get a bit crazy with makeup. I'm sure I have lip liner somewhere. I could make it appear that I was smiling. I'm sure that'd be very effective.

I'm sitting in the middle of my futon right now, and it's quite literally a pain in the ass. Warning to all visitors, this thing is not a good time.

My neck is killing me. I'm pretty sure I slept on my head last night. At least that's what my hair looked like this morning. Unfortunately I didn't have anytime to fix it. Silly workshops in cities far away...So I guess...since I looked a mess today, it's okay if I'm a wreck tomorrow as well? Those things carry over you know...

learning to live with what you are

I know that you're in there
I can see you
You're saying you're okay
I don't believe you

And now that the gig is off
The spell is broken
The fat lady sung
The president has spoken

These days that you were waiting for
Will come and go
Like any day
Just another day

There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are

So freak out if you wanna
And I'll still be here
Don't call me for years and when you do
Yeah, I'll still be here

I'm not saying the effort is a waste of time - but I
Just love you for the things you couldn't change
Though you've tried
These hours of confusion they will soon expire
Like everything does

There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are

Sometimes
Everything you've ever wanted
Floats above
He's sticking out his tongue and laughing
While everything
Anyone could ever need
Is down below
Waiting for you
To know this
There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you've forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are

So I just made an awesome dinner. Probably because I'm awesome. I even...um cooked for the cat...though that only involved opening a ketchup packet (she really likes it...).

Id-rific

So yeah. I'm in a total mood right now. It's a very good thing that I deleted a certain someone's phone number, cause I would totally be making an inappropriate phone call right now. And I would have no regrets about it. So if you're reading this. Chaos. Call me. Text. Something. I'd like to know you're still alive.

My mood is undoubtedly a consequence of many things. Primarily of which, would be the therapy session tonight. Stupid therapy and drudging up old issues! At the moment though, I'm feeling quite...basic. No complicated emotions. Just normal human desires. I made dinner- a lame spaghetti dish that I'll be eating off for the next three days, I'm sure. I bathed. I watched the debate. And now I'm preparing for sleep...covering most of the basic human drives.

At this moment, I am envious of the cro-magnon man (even if I botched the spelling). He was primarily id focused. None of this bothering with the ego and superego. Stupid things. Who needs balance?

Oh wait. I do.

I think a "fuck me" would be appropriate here...fuck me.

Random Stream Debate Reaction

I've decided that McCain just makes stuff up as he goes along. (including words, which I'm usually a fan of, but not when he does it.)

He has no concept of what numbers mean.

So the fellas switched tie color. Hmmm...

K, so McCain is a fan of reducing paper in the medical insurance industry. One bonus point for him. But he keeps saying my buddy Joe the plumber.

And his idea is to give everyone $5000 for medical stuff. I was charged way more than that for one visit to the ER. I retract his former bonus point.

McCain is left handed. Which used to be considered a sign of the devil. I'm just saying...

MC just said Senator Government. Because he's starting to get flustered.

Roe v. Wade...both wanna look at qualifications of potential judges. Not just abortion attitudes. BO is the only one who talked about women. Like actually women. And rights.

MC says "America" just like Capt. America on a video game.

If MC uses the goofy hand quotes again in regards to BO's "eloquence" I'll throw up my shiny stuff.

Bonus to BO for wanting an army of teachers. And he explained why I'm in debt.

Can I get a refill? What'd you have? A thirst for knowledge!

MC added an extra syllable to New Orleans.

Le sigh. No Child Left Behind? Blech.

What about other illnesses? Besides Autism....

Stewards has apparently replaced mavericks.

I feel bad that MC lost his neck when he was a POW. Bummer.

Go vote now. It'll make you big and strong...

Millenium Park

This is a random photo from my recent excursion to Chicago. I can only imagine how beautiful it will be after the leaves start to change...

Random Letter Association

A voidance
B alance
C haos
D rama
E nlightenment
F uck
G oogle
H obag
I gnorance
J ustification
K indness
L ost
M e
N ew
O pen
P umpkin
Q uiet
R estless
S tranger
T ingle
U nderstood
V ulnerable
W aiting
X oxoxo
Y earning
Z eal

Adios Amigos!

Sigh. Keym and Nate are on their way home. It was so lovely to have them visit! We did lots of fun stuff- fun and tiring stuff. So much so that I am exhausted today. I even look a bit crazy.

I haven't been able to function at work. I've wanted to, but my brain just refused to cooperate. I made a few phone calls...unrelated to work...and even spent some time stretched out on the floor. I thought it'd be easier to read an ugly report I've been putting off, but it just made me want to sleep. I only made it to page 5. I = lameo! (If it mitigates my lameness at all, the report is uber scientific...lots of big, complicated looking words...)

I did do some work. Like playing with MS Outlook. I'm so organized it's insane.

And now I'll be leaving in a few minutes. Clearly there's no time to do anything productive. And I've already committed to the idea of taking a nap. So there really isn't a chance to accomplish anything.

Eh. What's a research analyst to do?

ChiTown

We took the train to Chicago today and had a blast!! Um...and it was windy!

So this may be entirely true...in theory. The execution? Not so much...

The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.

Rita Rudner

Conina's Back!!

Yay! I finally have my beloved Conina back :)

Thanks to Janette for taking care of her for so long!

Thanks to Keym and Nate for bringing her to me!

Thanks to Conina for only holding a small grudge :)

Evil BP

So, I need to rant a bit....After reading about the highly toxic nature of converting crude oil into something usable...and the fact that this process is going to take place within miles of my current home...makes me want to lash out irrationally (which is a lame quote that will forever be stuck in my head from Tim Allen's The Santa Clause). One of the goals is to essentially bring in tons of garbage from Canada, and create a pipeline that runs down to the Gulf of Mexico. Sigh. A little pinpoint in an pipeline can have devastating effects on the environment, and even if it's well maintained, the process of converting Canada's ick to our energy is dangerous and unhealthy.

I've been on the phone all day trying to get more information, and though it's not surprising, city officials are very unwilling to give out any info. Thank goodness for the Freedom of Information Act! But still. That's only going to give me more to be concerned about, as BP is already making changes to their plant to process the ick. So...rather than standing for Beyond Petroleum, I've been thinking of some alternatives. Big Problem. Bad Polluters. Better Poison-yourself-now-before-we-get-a-chance-to. Been Putting-mass-quantities-of-people-in-danger.

Whew. That is all.

I'm leaving work early.

bohemian rhapsody

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see,
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy,
Because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low,
Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me
Mama just killed a man,
Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead
Mama, life had just begun,
But now I've gone and thrown it all away
Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry,
If I'm not back again this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters
Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
Mama, ooh, I don't want to die,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

Familiar Author?

I'm glad I don't have to explain to a man from Mars why each day I set fire to dozens of little pieces of paper, and then put them in my mouth.

Mignon McLaughlin

This author sounds familiar. Anybody?

Party at V's House! Haaayyy!!

So yay! Keym and Nate are coming to visit me tomorrow! And they're staying the entire weekend :) I anticipate taking many more fun pictures....

Sidenote: they are also bringing my beloved Conina! Yay, I can finally have my cat!

So Indian food = a good time.

That is all.

Oh. And about all that hating? I'm pretty sure I used the wrong word...um a couple of times.

That is all.

Einstein is a silly bitch

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

Albert Einstein

i'm still breathing

I leave the gas on
Walk the allies in the dark
Sleep with candles burning
I leave the door unlocked
I'm weaving a rope and
Running all the red lights
Did I get your attention
Cause I'm sending
All the signs
That the clock is ticking
And I'll be giving
My 2 weeks

Pick your favorite
Shade of black
You'd best
Prepare a speech
Say something funny
Say something sweet
But don't say
That you loved me

I'm still breathing
But we've been
Dead for awhile
This sickness has no cure
We're going down for sure
Already lost a grip
Best abandon ship

Maybe I was too pale
Maybe I was too fat
Maybe you wanted better
Better luck off in the sack
No formal education
And I swore way too much
But I swear
You didn't care
Cause we were in love

So as I write this letter
And shed my last tear
No, it's all for the better
That we end this year
Let's close this chapter
Say one last prayer
But don't say
That you loved me

Asking For It

I realized something this evening. After my initial appointment at the counseling center, which is a branch of the Lutheran church (who knew?), I was in a funny sort of state when I got home. And I was kind of expecting it. What I wasn't expecting was the fact that I became acutely aware of my surroundings. I started hearing sounds I've never heard here before. Seeing things that I haven't noticed (i.e. a chip in a picture frame). And, most importantly, I discovered that my bathtub is the longest one I've ever had. I'm clearly not able to lie down completely, but I can comfortably sit up in the tub with my legs fully stretched--something I haven't been able to do since...like...birth. So yay for me!

Tomorrow we're taking a field trip to an Indian restaurant. I mentioned that it was something I wanted to try, so we're going. Just like that. I also mentioned that it'd be nice to upgrade desk chairs, and again. Just like that, I'm getting a new chair. I have suspected my "ability" to influence people before...it's never been quite this effective though. Mayhaps there's something in the water (in the very polluted water as I'm finding in my research) that has increased my power.

I wonder if I should ask for a raise?

Downer?

So yeah. My free internet wasn't working last night! Thumbs down to that. It was the first time (and hopefully just a fluke), but I felt extremely disoriented without my connection to the outside world. In an attempt to distract myself, I even did laundry. My hope is that all will be working when I get home. If not, I may have to break down and get my own internet. I'm afraid though, that it'll just be a gateway for other things...like cable.

So, in an effort to maintain sanity (that I kind of lost last night, thank goodness for distractions!), I am being a bad employee and doing recreational activities at work. If it helps, (and in my mind it does), I'm probably taking work home with me tonight. A 50 page report on how BP is the devil and destroying our environment...

I'm also going to visit a counseling center after work. Though I'll just be doing preliminary, "So, just how crazy are you feeling?" kind of stuff, I'm looking forward to being in a therapeutic environment. And hopefully it'll help.

Oh. And I'm listening to Jewel right now. Old school stuff. Good times.

So the last post was kinda...whatev. Don't get all worried on me. That is all.

hate

i hate you
i hate myself for hating you
i hate that i don't know how you're doing
i hate hate
i hate your wit and humor
i hate your knowledge of song lyrics
i hate your obscure loves
i hate your confusion and your cop outs
i hate that i miss you
i hate that i don't even know you
i hate that i have these thoughts in my head
i hate you more than i've ever hated anyone
how does that make you feel?
oh wait, you have no feelings
just an empty shell
i hate your broken promises
you lied to me
fix it so i don't have to hate you anymore
oh, and most of all
i hate you for making me hate you

As Fate Would Have It

I was waiting patiently to turn onto the ever-busy and always in construction main drag of Hammond. There was a girl, on foot, who was waiting to cross traffic. She had multiple chances to cross, but didn't. So when I was able to go, I pulled out (very mindful of her presence) onto the road. She began to yell obscenities at me to which I went something like, "Sorry I can't hear you" (Said in a completely obnoxious way, i.e. the younger brother in Son in Law when he's wearing the bra on his head...anybody with me? No...okay). I mean, I gave her lots of chances and I was totally ready to go home. Focus.

So I'm driving along, marveling at the um...tenacity of the girl when I hear tires screeching behind me. Terrified, I looked in the rear view mirror to see a truck slamming on his breaks, barely hitting the car in front of him who had also slammed on their breaks for some unknown reason. Turns out the girl was fine, she had only gotten to the median. I have no idea what caused all the commotion. But who knows? Had I given that girl yet another chance to cross the road, that might have have given her the extra seconds needed to put herself in peril danger.

So life lesson for today. Um...Don't give pedestrians the right away?

Adjusting

I'm having trouble sleeping. I have been since I moved. When I do sleep it's restless, abnormal for me. Usually it's the getting to sleep part that is difficult. Now it seems to be the entire process.

Work is going really great! I'm excited about the possibilities of the job. (And I got business cards last week, and after my American Psycho moment, I was really pleased with those as well).

So work is good. My apartment is delightful. Most of my relationships are doing good. I've even been talking to my mom regularly, which has been nice.

But there's still something off. Not quite right just yet. I'll figure it out. I'm good at solving problems. And I have an appointment with a therapist this week. Maybe he/she will be able to give me some direction. Something more than, "you're just experiencing normal adjustment issues."

Hung

I hung a mirror today with some fun stickums. It's a bit creepy though. Or a safety feature. I haven't decided just yet. Sitting on the couch, the mirror reflects the entrance to my apartment perfectly. So I can see when a serial killer's gonna get me. The creepy part is that I can see the peephole thingy, and those are always scary for some reason.

I also, though it goes against my better judgment, hung a clock....we'll see how long it lasts. If I hear it ticking, it's gotta go. Sigh. It is rather attractive though. Maybe I'll just be one of those people who has clocks that never have the right time (or work). I would be okay with that.

I also bought some more hangers today and hung the remainder of my clothes. This is the biggest closet I've ever had, so everything can be out. Like all the time. Not just by season. Whoa. I then proceeded to spend far too much time organizing said clothes. Stupid OCD.

Shades of Red

My cheeks are a scarlet fire
Mostly out of frustration
Two different people,
Two different lives
I don't understand it
Any of it
So how can I explain it

My body is blushing pink
Under the pressure
I can't articulate
Anything right now
Just streams of words
Nonsensical words

My burgundy blood is rushing
But I still can't focus
All of my energies are
Lost in the universe
Unable to return

My skin is torn
Revealing crimson trails
Resulting from where I have
Bitten my lip and nails

I still can't explain
I'm shielded by
My rose-colored glasses

All I can see is red
So many

Shades of red

My Backyard

I think that my affinity for black and white, and the fact that my apartment only has bursts of color, has caused my eyes to see colors much more brightly than they actually are. I discovered this while looking out my patio door today. As you can see, the view is quite serene. And the noises? Children playing. How wonderful. I took a few photos of the area. But the video seemed much more appropriate. (And I re-found that option on my camera today...).

The trees are still such a vibrant green. No hint of fall just yet. I'm already looking forward to making another video. One after the leaves have changed. I imagine it will be quite breathtaking.

famous blue raincoat

It's four in the morning, the end of December
I'm writing you now just to see if you're better
New York is cold, but I like where I'm living
There's music on Clinton Street all through the evening.
I hear that you're building your little house deep in the desert
You're living for nothing now, I hope you're keeping some kind of record.

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear
Did you ever go clear?

Oh, the last time we saw you you looked so much older
Your famous blue raincoat was torn at the shoulder
You'd been to the station to meet every train
But you came back without Lili Marlene

And you treated my woman to a flake of your life
And when she came home she was nobody's wife.

Well I see you there with the rose in your teeth
One more thin gypsy thief
Well I see Jane's awake
She sends her regards.

And what can I tell you my brother, my killer
What can I possibly say?
I guess that I miss you, I guess I forgive you
I'm glad you stood in my way.

If you ever come by here, for Jane or for me
Your enemy is sleeping, and his woman is free.

And thanks, for the trouble you took from her eyes
I thought it was there for good so I never tried.

And Jane came by with a lock of your hair
She said that you gave it to her
That night that you planned to go clear

Sincerely, L. Cohen

Still There

Work went by surprisingly quick today. It seems like by the time I get settled and take care of email stuff, 2 hours has gone by. I wonder how long this will continue? I can't really remember what else I did today. It was kind of a blur.

I spoke with Dan as I was leaving the office. We had a lovely chat. It had been much too long. Towards the end he said, "So how's Alex?"...I was quiet for a few moments and then told him that we apparently weren't speaking anymore. I was just following Chaos's example. Then something stuck me. It felt like someone was squeezing my neck. I haven't spoken to Alex in months. And Dan hasn't either. And they are...at least they were best friends. I felt a huge pang of concern for Alex. I tried so hard to keep the two of them together after I moved out...I just. I just feel bad. And I know that I shouldn't. That it's not my place. But I still care about Alex. Still concerned for his well-being. And I know he's probably sad that he and Dan haven't talked. So it makes me sad.

Because I am an idiot.

that teenage feeling

Now that we've met
We can only laugh at these regrets
Common as a winter cold
They're telephone poles
They follow each other
One, after another, after another
But now my heart is green as weeds
Grown to outlive their season

And nothing comforts me the same
As my brave friend who says,
"I don't care if forever never comes
'Cause I'm holding out for that teenage feeling
I'm holding out for that teenage feeling"

All the loves we had
All we ever knew
Did they fill me with so many secrets
That keep me from loving you
'Cause it's hard, hard

fuel

They were digging a new foundation in Manhattan
And they discovered a slave cemetery there
May their souls rest easy
Now that lynching is frowned upon
And we've moved on to the electric chair
And I wonder who's gonna be president, tweedle dum or tweedle dummer?
And who's gonna have the big blockbuster box office this summer?
How about we put up a wall between houses and the highway
And you can go your way, and I can go my may

Except all the radios agree with all the tvs
And all the magazines agree with all the radios
And I keep hearing that same damn song everywhere I go
Maybe I should put a bucket over my head
And a marshmallow in each ear
And stumble around for
Another dumb-numb waiting for another hit song to appear

People used to make records
As in a record of an event
The event of people playing music in a room
Now everything is cross-marketing
It's about sunglasses and shoes
Or guns and drugs
You choose
We got it rehashed
We got it half-assed
We're digging up all the graves
And we're spitting on the past
And you can choose between the colors
Of the lipstick on the whores
Cause we know the difference between
The font of 20% more
And the font of teriyaki
You tell me
How does it make you feel?
You tell me what's real?

And they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
Even when they're as dry as my lips for years
Even when they're stranded on a small desert island
With no place within 2,000 miles to buy beer
And I wonder
Is he different?
Is he different?
Has he changed? What's he about?..
Or is he just a liar with nothing to lie about?

Am I headed for the same brick wall
Is there anything I can do about
Anything at all?
Except go back to that corner in Manhattan
And dig deeper, dig deeper this time
Down beneath the impossible pain of our history
Beneath unknown bones
Beneath the bedrock of the mystery
Beneath the sewage systems and the PATH train
Beneath the cobblestones and the water mains
Beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals
Beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels
Beneath everything I can think of to think about
Beneath it all, beneath all get out
Beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel
There's a fire just waiting for fuel

Fall Back

I went back to work today. Finally! After my little...vacation...it was kind of nice to go back. Of course I needed much more sleep than I had gotten the night before. So I did an excessive amount of yawning. And the office was a little warm. Mayhaps too warm. Sigh. If I only had a window. Well, I do have a window, but it looks out into a hallway...so it's not a cool window.

It was such a beautiful fall day. The very definition of crisp. I attempted to take a nap with the patio door open, but paranoia kept me from resting peacefully. No worries though, I took my nap to the bed- where the two of us became friends again. I was rather tired from my day of "working" and the day was just...so conducive to napping.

Tomorrow looks to be a bit tiring as well. After work I'm going to a domestic violence awareness meeting. It's not for work, but since I'm going, I'll try to gather some information while I'm there. Sigh. If I'm capable of forming coherent sentences after the speaker. She's a victim of domestic violence, a survivor. It'll undoubtedly stir up a multitude of emotions. Both my mom and grandmother were in abusive relationships, but eventually escaped. I had a friend though, who wasn't so lucky. And tomorrow I'm going to be repeatedly slapped in the face with that thought. All the feelings that I've tried to mute will come screaming back. I'm going to try to channel my emotions into something positive though. What exactly will come of this meeting, I don't know. The article promoting the event nearly jumped off the page at me, so I took it as a sign that I should go. We shall see...

end of the movie

People you love
Will turn their backs on you
You'll lose your hair
Your teeth
Your knife will fall out of its sheath
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
People you hate will get their hooks into you
They'll pull you down
You'll frown
They'll tar you and drag you through town
But you still don't like to leave before the end of the movie
No you still don't like to leave before the end of the show