Dirty After Wash

I've been sleeping naked recently. For several reasons. It's freeing to be naked. The heat has refused to shut off so it's been too warm to sleep in clothes. And, all of my pajama type clothes were otherwise unavailable. And by unavailable, I mean dirty. I had a shit ton of laundry to do today. I don't normally mind the process, but today it was daunting. I took a nap when I got home and then washed the dishes. Finally, when I couldn't put it off any longer, I ventured out in the subzeroish weather to the cleanomat.

While my clothes were doing their thing, if you will (oh, and not to be confused with the former Mrs. Federline who also likes to do her own thang). I was reading a book about women and violence. And, as often happens, I was slapped in the face with a crazy coincidence. The chapter I was reading began with a woman telling of an ordinary trip to...you guessed it-- a laundry mat. She proceeded to describe her fear associated with being a woman in a isolated area. She eventually became so scared that she stayed in her locked car, only coming out to change loads. Though I can empathize with her fear, I thought that the passage was a bit dramatic....until I looked around.

At 11 p.m., I was the only person foolish enough to be washing their clothes. The parking lot has no lights to speak of. Dark. Quiet. I could have been that frightened woman. I, though, was not alone as she was. There were two workers occupying the facility. A woman, who was clearly in charge of maintaining the facilities. And a man, whose only function I can think of was to serve as a security guard of sorts. And--when the fella went out to smoke, she locked the door behind him. I was locked in...for my own protection, of course. My adventure tonight seems so much more frightening than the woman's experience in the book. Yes, she was terrified. A lot of her fear though, was built on the belief that bad things happen to women when they're alone at night. I, on the other hand, was locked in. The doors were locked to keep people out. Potentially dangerous people. There were video cameras. A security guard. All sorts of signs that signal danger.

Though I didn't hide out in my car, I did leave much earlier than intended--with clothes still damp from prematurely removing them from the dryers. I wanted to leave though. Staying there just felt like I was asking for something bad to happen. Even though the environment was designed to be safer and to put people at ease, all of their measures served to cause me anxiety.

Who knew doing laundry was such a traumatic experience?

why do you let me stay here

why do you let me stay here, all by myself?
why don’t you come and play here?
i’m just sitting on the shelf
why don’t you sit right down and stay a while?
we like the same things and i like your style
it’s not a secret, why do you keep it?
i’m just sitting on the shelf
i gotta get your presents, let’s make it known
i think you’re just so pleasant, i would like you for my own
why don’t you sit right down and make me smile?
you make me feel like i am just a child
why do you edit? just give me credit
i’m just sitting on the shelf

Gracias David

Humor came over tonight. He didn't stay. We didn't talk. At least we didn't have any meaningful talk. I let him go. Frowning as he left, I decided to escape myself. First to one place, then to another. I should have stayed home. I just wanted a taste though. A distraction from my distraction. And it worked. Sort of. His name was Dave. David, if you please. A smile like an angel. Eyes that lit up with glee every time his friend was embarrassing (which was often). David served as a reminder of life outside of my own little bubble. I thought I needed more tonight, but that was enough. Remembering that there are more people on this planet than just one, that I have more to offer more to than just one person...nice reminders. Much needed. Much appreciated. So thanks D. Hope Growlers wasn't too hard on your spirit.

Constraint

I let you hold me back
Even though I know better
You give me constraints
I gasp under pressure
When in doubt I turn to you
Even though I know you're nothing
Non-existent
Only a figment
I give you power
I take it away
I fight against you
But you stay strong
You have society on your side
I am alone
Frown

Play Dough Makes Me Queasy

My case of the bleahs is most likely due to stress. After a revealing weekend, and a few healthy conversations last night, I've come to realize that my relationship with Humor is flawed. Sigh. And that I should do something about it. Essentially, I'm in a Chaotic situation again. He wants me but doesn't want to commit. (I've decided that this is my curse--and I'm not asking for marriage fellas! Just a little exclusivity). I understand his reluctance because he just got out of a very long relationship. But still.

Of course he said that he still wants to see me. That he enjoys spending time with me. He just wants to...."enjoy single life"...meaning that I might be his favorite toy, but he still wants to play with others. Or would at least like to be able to play without worrying about someone else. Frown. I'm a bit more sophisticated than play dough though*. I require more than the occasional manhandling.

So I know that I need to have yet another chat with Humor. A potentially unpleasant one. One that I don't want to have. I really don't want to have to say goodbye. For so many reasons. Frown. Because it might get to that point. I'm sure I have some more profound and probably less cryptic thoughts in here somewhere, but I'm too tired to dig them out. And, given the fragile state of my head at the moment, I might injure myself permanently if I try to use it too much.

I threw up my feelings last night. Exploded my head this morning. Slept them away for the rest of the evening. Mayhaps tomorrow I'll be able to channel them into something a bit healthier.

*And I like to think that I smell better than it too.

Bleah

I bought an awesome toy a few months ago for Janette's kids. It's a little monster that goes "Bleah" repeatedly. Today, I'm in a state of bleah. Filled with bleahness. Have a case of the bleahs. Bleahriffic. Um...etc. I took some new drugs for migraines this morning. The deal is that you're supposed to take it as soon as you feel one coming on. I did. And it made me very sleepy. I spent 2 hours zoning in and out of consciousness. At one point I had my legs propped up on my desk (the bare part covered with a pashmina I bought in Paris) and a makeshift pillow made of sweater underneath my head. I tried to read but failed. I'm pretty sure I read the same sentence over and over. I went home around lunchtime and took a nap (which is rare). Stripping my clothes off on the way to bed, I fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow (even more rare).

I'm back at the office now. Despite my nap, I'm just as incapable of being productive as before. At least I can hold my head up....I guess.

this is it

leonard cohen: book of longing

this is it
i'm not coming after you
i'm going to lie down for half an hour
this is it
i'm not going down
on your memory
i'm not rubbing my face in it any more
i'm going to yawn
i'm going to stretch
i'm going to put a knitting needle
up my nose
and poke out my brain
i don't want to love you
for the rest of my life
i want your skin
to fall off my skin
i want my clamp
to release your clamp
i don't want to live
with this tongue hanging out
and another filthy song
in the place
of my baseball bat
this is it
i'm going to sleep now darling
don't try to stop me
i'm going to sleep
i'll have a smooth face
and i'm going to drool
i'll be asleep
whether you love me or not

Pot Not

So yeah...I realize that I've been a bit of a Debbie Downer lately. And though I'd like to blame it on the drugs (more accurately, the lack of drugs), it's my own fault. I have lots of misplaced feelings. Things that I should deal with but can't/won't.

I care for Humor very much. And with the exception of the last two nights, we have had wonderful times together lately. I truly enjoy his company. Spending so much time with him though, has changed our relationship to something else....or so it seems. We need to talk...The expression shit or get off the pot keeps popping into my head...

My mom hasn't spoken with me since I left Alabama. It's been 27 days--the longest we've ever gone without speaking. And it's killing me. It's one thing to have a fight and to hold a grudge, but I really don't know what she's so upset about. What's more is that nothing is worth being this angry/stubborn over. Especially since she's so sick. I feel like I've lost her already.

My relationship with my mom has affected every aspect of who I am. Especially my ability to forgive. She doesn't so much have that ability. I, on the other hand, have had to cultivate a large heart to maintain the mother/daughter relationship. As such, I'm quick to forgive in other relationships. By tomorrow morning, my disappointment with Humor will probably be nonexistent. Hopefully though, I still have that urge to get off the pot. Or something.

Still You

You still affect me
Even after all this time
I thought I had moved on
But part of me is still stuck
Still that girl who hurts when she thinks about you
You still affect me like no one else
Creeping into my relationships
I'm hard on him because of you
Afraid and still damaged because of you

That Saying That Bush Fucked Up About Fooling

Writing to distract myself from crying. I'll probably fail. But at least I'm trying....I had yet another sleepy day. I went back to sleep at least 3 times. And when I finally "woke up" I only stayed awake long enough to force myself to eat something and then I fell asleep on my incredibly uncomfortable futon.

I chatted with Humor for a bit today. I didn't give him too hard a time for falling asleep on me last night. For failing to fulfill a promise. We rescheduled for tonight....However, it seems that tonight will be a repeat of failure on his part. He's again a no show. Apparently his rate for falling asleep falls in the less than 30 minutes category. Lame. I realize that no one cares for being disappointed, but for some reason, I'm finding it particularly depressing/shitty/frown-inducing. I called him to voice my feelings...so at least I won't be practicing leaving a message all night.

Frown. I even came home early for him. Leaving the drunks to their own devices. Missing out on seeing the crazy guy who likes to sing along to the Talking Heads.

Sigh. It's times like these that I wish I could get angry rather than upset. Hence the crying business.

Broken Promises For Broken Hearts

Pay attention my love cause it's over
At the tip of my tongue is the price you weren't willing to pay
Still this is something akin to a breakdown
And your impression of a woman supposed to be easy to see
That there'd be torn up photos and lonely nights
Cursing crying and drawn out fights
Make up sex and a brand new start
Broken promises for broken hearts

When you look back now was it special?
Or was it nothing but anecdote that you can tell now and then
I delude myself it was worth it
Even though from the beginning I could see exactly how it would end

Torn up photos and lonely nights
Cursing crying and drawn out fights
Make up sex and a brand new start
Broken promises for broken hearts

I wanna wish you away

Don't Speak

I took a nap when I got home tonight. Even though I had another short work week, I was completely drained. I ended up sleeping til after 10 p.m. Which I'm okay with because I clearly needed it. Humor was supposed to come over tonight, after he got done playing with the boys of course. Alas. It is almost four in the morning (oh Leonard...) and I'm alone. I'm sure he probably just fell asleep--which is totally fine. But...he promised that he would stay here tonight. Like he actually said the words "I promise".

So now I'm sad...not because he didn't come over (well, kind of...), but because Humor did not fulfill his promise. Sigh. I find that very disappointing. Some words carry a lot of meaning. Or at least they usually do. His promises mean significantly less now...So, to finish my ranting...don't promise me something unless you will follow through.

On a completely unrelated side note, I cleaned my apartment tonight. There was lots of scrubbing involved. And my vacuum exploded a bit at one point. Um...that is all.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

So yesterday, as feared, was pretty much not awesome. I had a meeting with our board to present what I've been doing for the last few months. I didn't foresee the presentation as being an issue, but I was concerned about the discussion following it. There are a couple of...assertive personalities. One woman in particular is a constant pain. We like to refer to her as the loud one. She has a name, but it's incidental. The loud one was even more abrasive than last time, asking me the same questions over and over. At one point I felt like I was being badgered--which displeases me. The thing is, it wasn't like I was avoiding her questions in any way. I answered her incessant questions to the best of my ability each time until I hit my "I'm just going to stay silent and pray someone saves me" point.

I shared my reaction with my coworkers this morning. F said she didn't even notice the loud one last night because she had successfully blocked her out. Father Funk though, said that he received a phone call from the loud one this morning and that she had apologized for being a jerkface. Aye de mi! I was afraid that I was being too sensitive (which happens on occasion). The loud one also said that she loved my passion and thought that I handled myself very well.

So yeah. Yayay for me for not losing my cool in the moment. And also--props to people who admit their wrongdoings. Sigh. If only Bush and Cheney would pipe up now for all the crap they pulled with Gitmo...

crazy important meeting tomorrow night. it's all me. 15ish movers and shakers of nwindy. there to listen to me. i'm only a little nervous. and by a little i mean a lot. i didn't sleep so well last night...hopefully tonight is better.

sigh. that is all.

Laughing at Horror

I had a wonderful night. Humor came over and we watched Nightmare on Elm Street 4...a classic horror film. Along with being fairly disgusting, the film was also quite funny. Though I distinctly remember being frightened as a child, I was able to watch the movie tonight and laugh at the shoddy make up and sketchy plot. We started to watch the 5th film, but found ourselves...distracted.

I've decided that we're at a new place in our relationship...though I'm not exactly sure what it is or if it means anything. I do know that on his first day of work, I was the first person that Humor called to talk to about it. And when I picked my car up today (after a week of being stranded) he was the first person that I wanted to share my good news with.

And so, I'm smiling...I didn't realize how smitten I truly am until I tried to articulate my feelings a few minutes ago. I failed miserably of course, only able to muster that things were good. And indeed they are. Very good.

Déjà What?

I found myself experiencing déjà vu tonight (and yes, I copied that from Wikipedia so I could get the appropriate accent marks). I was sitting on my beloved busted futon. Situated in the most uncomfortable position while attempting to avoid what I can only assume to be a broken spring*. Or plank. (That is, if anything other than a pirate ship can claim to have a plank). I was attempting to transcribe the lyrics to one of Burning Down Rome's songs that has been trapped in my head for most of the evening. Typing with my newly blackened nails--feeling rather emo tonight--I felt a chill come over me. A rush of cold air. And then that feeling. The dawning of familiarity...Or something.

In the past, I've looked for triggers, something that would set off a case of deja vu (given up on the accents...). Usually it's a certain smell or sound that does it, but tonight? Who knows? Despite my relatively short time here, I have spent a large portion of time alone, typing away on my laptop, my mind split into hundreds of pieces. It seems like there should be something more though. Something else to bring on the chills.

After giving it some thought, and quenching my curious mind with a bottle of cheap wine, I've decided that my mood caused the deja vu. Despite a couple of wonderful conversations, and a visit from Humor this afternoon, I've felt very alone today. Even when I was with him it felt like something was off. I couldn't/didn't enjoy his company as much as I normally do. And, because I'm completely mental, I was almost relieved when he left--relieved to be left alone so I could wallow in my loneliness. I know right? Mental.

I hope that this insanity passes quickly. I plan on seeing Humor tomorrow, and I'd like to enjoy our time together. As it is now, I'm feeling pretty shitty. On top of the lingering loneliness, I'm feeling ungrateful because I'm not fully appreciating what I have. I'm like a thief begging for mercy while picking someone's pocket. Or something...

*I have since given up on spring avoidance and have planted myself on the floor.

Different Pages

Rain came running down my fingers

Through her gold hair and to my surprise

Her arms open to embrace me with a cold love saying goodbye

The fairytale dies

Let the rain wash away every memory we made

Somehow we always were on different pages

I thought I knew who you were but that is not who you are

Now we will always be on different pages

Different pages

She put poison in her words to make my heart play into her hand

She’d say all the things a stranger would to help save a hopeless romance

But it had no chance

Let the rain wash away every memory we made

Somehow we always were on different pages

I thought I knew who you were but that is not who you are

Now we will always be on different pages

Different pages

Two souls lost between the chapters of a pipe dream that never prevailed

We’ve learned not to conjure magic when there’s no truth in most fairy tales

Lust always fails

Let the rain wash away every memory we made

Somehow we always were on different pages

I thought I knew who you were but that is not who you are

Now we will always be on different pages

Different pages

Yarrrrrrrrrrrr! Me Pipes Are Frozen!

I went to bed around midnight. Hung out for a bit listening to SModcast. Made it through a few episodes and was preparing for dreamland when I realized that it was chilly...nay. It was cold. My heat wasn't working. Good times.

So now the "Sure it's freakin' late but this is our job and we're gonna do it" guys are here working on my pipes. Frown. Is it sad that I wish that were a euphemism? That would be something at least.

On the bright side, the headache that I had earlier has worked it's way into a small migraine. Which is awesome because one of my heroes is slightly reminiscent of a car mechanic on his lunch break--which doesn't at all make me queasy...

Okay. Enough complaining. It might be getting a bit warmer in here. And if it's not, I'm just going to pretend that it is....

Not About Chaos

I just found a different version of "Not About Love"...and this is me being excited! The new version ups the musical ante, if you will, by at least 345%. Tons of strings. Tons of excitement. Tons of denial. And it got me thinking...

So I have this playlist on iTunes, entitled "Bumblebee"--songs that I fell in love with when I was with Chaos, songs that remind me of him, musicians that he introduced me to, etc. I've found that I can listen to certain songs on this list without any problem. Others though, are a bit problematic. "Little Plastic Castle" for example, always makes me want to smoke a cigarette while rubbing my lesbian lover's bald head...and "Falling in Love" usually involves curling up in the fetal position or feeling like vomit.

I set iTunes to shuffle while I was taking a bath...and clearly tonight my computer wanted me to get all reminiscent and stuff because songs from that playlist kept surfacing. It's been a while since I've had a serious thoughtfest about him, so I have indulged the computer (and that masochistic part of myself) for most of the night. I even busted out the old body wash.

It's sort of strange. Right now I can barely remember what he looks like. For some reason I can't picture him clearly. Just a blur. Which seems oddly poetic given his nickname...It doesn't seem possible for something epitomizing chaos to maintain a consistent form. So, I guess it's only appropriate for my brain to have turned him into an abstract figure. And besides...that's all he is anyway. Nothing real. Nothing tangible. Just a memory. And a playlist...

I Dream

I had a dream that my heart split in two
Broken
I woke up to find that it's true
Disappointment
I am not sure if we're meant to be
Confusion
I am sure that it's not up to me
Control
I am going back to sleep now
Fatigue
I am hoping that somehow
Optimism
I will have another dream
Imagine
I will return to find that things aren't as they seem
Unrealistic

Frozen

My car is broken. Or just frozen. Sigh. This is why living in nwindy is not too awesome. It's -14 and getting even colder. Fun.

Humor came over and looked at my car. Among his other skills, he's into cars...he voted for the battery (um which would be the big suck because I just got a new one...). On a happy note, the busted vehicle inspired me to walk to a car place this morning. It wasn't a very productive trip, but I can now say that I've experienced below zero weather and have lived. Or something. At the very least I learned that a nose can be reattached after it falls off...

Fun Day

Today started out a bit rough...I overslept. It got better quickly though when I found out that my office was closed because of weather. Yayay! Who said snow day?!

The first person I called this morning to share my good news with was Humor...and though I don't usually read too much into things (yeah right), I think this means something...I'm not exactly sure what, but it probably includes stars and butterflies.

He spent the day here, saving me from cleaning the apartment. We watched movies and played with statistics. And though that's pretty much what I do every day, it was wonderful. Sadly he couldn't stay through the night. He had to go off to be a good person. Sigh. Which only made me want him to stay even more. He's home now and we've been texting back and forth because clearly we didn't spend enough time together today. Smile.

Umbrella

You have my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
May be in magazines
But you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
You can't see shiny cars
That's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella

These fancy things, will never come in between
You're my entity, here for infinity
When the war has took its part
When the world has dealt its cards
If the hand is hard, together we'll mend your heart
Because

When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella

You can run into my arms
It's ok don't be alarmed
Come in to me
There's no distance in between our love
So go on and let the rain pour
I'll be all you need and more

Blinkety Blink

Blink blink blink goes the cursor...not to be confused with ding ding ding goes the trolley...or something. I need to write something, but have no idea what. Nothing is coming. I've been staring at that freaking cursor for at least 6 minutes (which felt like an eternity). I sort of feel though, that if I don't get something out, my head will burst. I'm sure it has something to do with the barometric pressure and the effects of the premature onset of cabin fever.

We're supposed to get a shit ton of snow tonight. And it's going to get crazy cold. So yeah. Brrr. I tried to talk Humor into coming over tonight. The thought of being snowed in is much less intimidating when it involves being "trapped" with someone delightful. The roads got too bad too quickly though. Frown. I'll have to keep myself warm*.

That is all.

*And yes, I meant that to sound every bit as scandalous as it did...

I Could Not Have Danced All Night

I had one of those silly moments tonight, like something out of a movie. Without physically going through the motions, I was involved in one of those "We just ran into each other, and now every time we try to move forward we keep running into each other again because we both pick the same direction" kind of things.

In my case though, we were both trying to be nice. Via texting. Humor was going to come over, but ended up having some car trouble. I offered to go get him- to be nice. He declined because he didn't want me to have to go out in the weather- to be nice. I said I didn't care that I would go to him anyway- to be nice. He said he would have felt really bad- to be nice. So we did a little dance consisting of texting niceties.

Like all dances though, and especially like all those awkward scenes in the movies, the dance/awkwardness must eventually stop. After 3 songs and a tribute to Elton John, I found myself growing weary at his insistence on his own pleasantry and the rejection of mine. I stopped dancing and headed off to the punch bowl that I was praying someone had spiked. Or keeping with the lame movie bit...I grabbed him by the shoulders and asked him to step aside while I headed off in my own direction.

We made up a few hours later (after I did some considerable whining about how much my feet hurt to poor Matty). Humor said he was sorry. I said I was sorry. We were sorry for trying to be nice...

At the end of the night, I set my drink down and allowed him to lead me back out to the dance floor. And though I hate dancing, I'm probably going to let him spin me as much as, and for as long as he wants.

so yeah. i'm about to do that thing where i don't capitalize anything or use reasonable punctuation. Humor let me down tonight. he was going to go out with friends, which was cool cause i was going out too. then he was like, i'm not going out cause i can't get ahold of anyone. and then i was like. wtf. what am i? i'm going out. play with me. and he was like nah. and so then i got upset. because i'm a girl and that's what we do. he eventually said he was too tired, but my feelings were already hurt. like i'm not good enough to go out with or something. and he totally denied it. was incredibly sweet....which made me feel like a bitch. but still. why is it that i am so backwards with my relationships? i care about Humor very much. but that could be a mistake...who knows

i realize there is a shit ton of stuff wrong with this post. not all girls are fucking insane like i am. not all boys play games. humor prob isn't either and i'm just assuming the worst because i've had fucking chaotic relationships. i should be better at coping than i am...alas.......

so yeah. i feel like shit. for many reasons. he's going to come over tomorrow like nothing has happened (and it really hasn't) and i'm going to be all pouty because i'm a retard.


um....and this is me being too hard on myself and drunk out of my mind. thank god i didn't feel the urge to sing tonight...


that is all...

(and i will most likely delete this post as soon as i come to my senses, so if you're lucky enough to read it...um feel lucky)

A Lovely Night

I had a lovely night. I didn't realize it until I was recounting the events to a friend, but tonight was a bit different. Humor came over for a bit...and it was nice, as always, but it was...different. A bit more relaxed, a bit more comfortable, a bit more familiar. Something. I can't exactly explain/describe/or understand it....but I like it. He also left a book here--which is seemingly meaningless to the person who is not me, but it indicates that he has made a plan to come back (which is neat because he's not so much into plans). And that, my dears, is what we call progress. (Said in the style of Depp's version of Wonka). Well, I don't even know if progress is the right word. Definitely have some sort of movement going on. So yayay for that. Ha...he's having some sort of effect on me because I can't think clearly. In a good way. As opposed to my normal "I'm so stressed I can't use my brain" kind of way.

So I was thinking. You know how too much of a good thing, like nitrous oxide or helium (goodies associated with hilarity) can impair brain function? I think I'm suffering similar consequences from my time with Humor. I mean...That'd explain the lightheadedness and feelings of butterflies right?

Auntie V!!

Garrett Edward Horner

He has his mommy's mouth and his daddy's arms !!

Random Stream No. 469er5

A priest made googoo eyes at me today. I didn't like it.

It was only 17 degrees and I forgot to wear pants.

I'm still awake even though I'm insanely tired.

I'm so proud of Brittany and Kurty! Yayay Baby Garrett!

I burnt two batches of cookies today at work.

I hate bulk mailing.

I love Kevin Smith.

I just lost feeling in my leg again. I should move to something more comfortable. Like the freakin bed, but I don't wanna.

Humor came over tonight and got a massage. I somehow managed to coat myself in the oil as well which means I have to wake up even earlier tomorrow to take a shower.

I ate a crappy quesadilla for dinner. My tummy hurts.

I don't want to sleep by myself tonight. But I'm going to.

I hate fish sticks.

Can fish hear? Cause they don't have ears...

I'd like to punch someone in the nose one day.

I haven't worn Chao's shirt in about a month.

If it weren't so cold I would sleep in the bathtub tonight.

baby time! my friend brittany had a baby boy! sooo beautiful :)

Begin, End

soft
hard
in
out
quick
slow
inhale
exhale
pain
pleasure
hesitation
resolve
separate
together
awake
asleep

Depth

Falling into the water
The pressure squeezing my lungs
Gasping for air
Sinking beneath the surface
The weight is crushing me now
I can no longer breathe
I've made my choices
Abandoned my safety
I can't save myself yet
Even if I wanted to
The rhythm of the waves is familiar
Despite my fear I am comforted
I've been here before
Felt the darkness of this depth
I know what I must do
I will sink to the bottom
Before fighting to the top
To live I must die

Yourspace

So I was browsing myspace (because what do you do when you're crazy bored and music/video just aren't working) and I came across a page that made me sad. There was a guy, completely adorable, who hasn't signed on in years. He had lots of friends, comments, etc. Clearly popular. So why the disappearance? I couldn't help but think that something tragic happened to him. Something terrible has prevented him from myspacing. Like death. Or dismemberment.
Of course, since I had already gone to my dark place (Stuart?? Where you at?), I began to wonder what would happen if I vanished mysteriously. I know. Good times.

Um...that is all...

So the drama continues. My mom didn't get her medicine today either. So I told my grandmother to take her to the hospital. I mean...it makes sense to me, there really isn't any other choice. And she was like, "Well, I'm going to try to get her to eat something right now..." And I was all, "Why the hell aren't you taking this more seriously?!"...She said she mentioned going to the hospital to my mom, but that was it. Seriously? That's it? WTF?! I'm so frustrated right now. It's obvious what needs to be done, and no one's doing it.

Donde Esta Divertido?

So this is weird. My shirt smells like Humor. Even weirder. This is a shirt that has been in a storage container for the last 2 weeks ish and has been washed. Maybe my brain is just confused and smelling what it wants to smell. Or something.

I got home early this evening. And (after immediately napping) called Humor to let him know that I was home. I wanted him to come see me. After all, it's been weeks, which is practically an eternity. Or something...He's been having some phone issues though, so I'm not sure if he got any of my messages. But still. He should know that I would be home tonight...I have to work tomorrow. It's not too much to expect that because I'm thinking of him, he should also be thinking of me, right?

So I'm a bit bummed right now. For all the reasons from my previous post, and because I was looking forward to having a Humorous evening. I was very much looking forward to some cuddling/misc. playing tonight.

Maybe I'll have Fun tomorrow...

Not Psychic.

I had a shit conversation with my grandma about how my mom is going through some serious withdrawal from her pain meds (like the kind that can kill you) and how she was blaming me for her situation. Skimming over the more ridiculous elements of the accusation, the only fault I have is that I am not psychic. Fuck me. Apparently I should just start assuming that, even if I'm told everything is okay, it isn't- and that I should be doing a shit ton of work to make it right. I'm sure assuming and constantly preparing/worrying for the worst will be wonderful for my mental state. Awesome.

I tried talking my g'ma into taking my mom to the hospital and she didn't. She said that should would if my mom got worse, but I doubt it. It's like she's scared of her or something. But this isn't the time for a power struggle. Fuck me again. So right now, I can't help but think that I could wake up tomorrow and my mother could be dead. And that she died blaming/hating me. And it makes me feel like {insert horribleness here}. I'm sure everything will be fine, but I can't help but worry. A lot.

I wonder how many times you can lose a person? I feel like I've lost my mother so many times. I've really lost count. Which is an incredibly depressing thought. I've gone through the grieving process so much that it's almost routine...and that is even more depressing. I try not to let it get me down, but I really am envious of people who have healthy parents. Those who haven't had to become the parent. Those who have good relationships with their family members. I know everyone has "crazy" families, but right now it doesn't seem to matter. Because I'm in a hyper sensitive mood and need to whine....and swear.

Home James!

I'm headed home tomorrow. After nearly two weeks of being gone, I think I'm actually looking forward to my quiet apartment...well--mostly the bath tub. I'm pretty sure the first thing I'll do when I get home (after unloading all the fun stuff en mi carro) is take a very long bubble bath. I'd also like to arrange a Humorous evening, but we've been having communication issues (because technology sometimes hates me). If only my powers of telepathy were more evolved...

So yeah. I'm excited about going home, but sad at the same time. I'm sure tomorrow night I'll be writing about how the apartment is too quiet. Or something. Because I'm lame.

Oh, and thanks for the good times everyone :)

back in muncie. sleeping in my old room. weird. but good :)