this grudge

Fourteen years
Thirty minutes
Fifteen seconds I've
Held this grudge

Eleven songs
Four full journals
Thoughts of punishment
I've expended

Not in contact
Not a letter
Such communication
Telepathic
You've been vilified
Used as fodder
You deserve a piece
Of every record

But who's it hurting now?
Who's the one that's stuck?
Who's it torturing now
With an antique knot in her stomach?

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Like an abandoned house
Dusty covered
Furniture
Still intact
If I visit it now
Will I simply re-live it
Somehow gratuitous

But who's still aching now?
Who's tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
All this time I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Maybe as I cut the cord
Veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
Dead weight off my shoulders will rise

Here I sit
Much determined
Ever ill-equipped
To draw this curtain
How this has entertained
Validated
And has served me greatly
Ever the victim

But who's done whining now?
Who's ready to put down
This load I've carried longer than I had cared to remember

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that's grown old
For the life of me I've not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us.

Yes, No.

yes, i think about you.
no, it's not my fault.
yes, i see reminders of you everywhere.
no, i'm not looking for them.

yes, i've acted on gut feelings.
no, you shouldn't be overwhelmed.
yes, it could be awkward.
no, it doesn't have to be.

Frowning at Love

So yeah...just checked Facebook...another one of my friends became a Fan of love--And it made me frown. I frowned at love. Part of me frowned at yet another occurrence of society trying to foolishly capitalize on something--what's next? "I love LOVE" t-shirts? Sigh. It's not that I don't believe in love. I do. Very much. I think I mostly frowned because I'm not in love. Which is okay.

I love.

I am loved.

I'm just not a Fan of love.

That is all.

eet

It’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can’t believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can’t remember
You try to feel the beat

Eet, eet, eet, eet
Eet, eet, eet, eet

You spent half of your life trying to fall behind
You’re using your headphones to drown out your mind
It was so easy, and the words so sweet
You can’t remember
You try to move your feet

Eet, eet, eet, eet
Eet, eet, eet, eet

Someone’s deciding whether or not to steal
He opens the window just to feel the chill
He hears that outside a small boy just starting to cry
‘Cause it’s his turn but his brother won’t let him try

It’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song
You can’t believe it
You were always singing along
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can’t remember
You try to move your feet
It was so easy and the words so sweet
You can’t remember, you try to feel the beat

Hi I'm Daisy!!

Doodled this while waiting for "Ms. Spektor if you're nasty's" cd to download....

60.3

Today's Writing Prompt: Bed

Linda Evangelista said she wouldn't get out of bed for less than $10,000.

What makes you get out of bed each morning?

The quiet room (after the alarm stops screaming at me!). The emptiness of the bed. The motivation to go out into the universe, do good things, and maybe find someone to fill the void and silence.

There are so many reasons to get out of bed. I'm more intrigued by the often illogical/irrational/wonderful reasons to stay in in it.

60.2

Today's Writing Prompt: Six Word Saturday

Describe your life in six words:

Seeking balance in a chaotic world.

Awful Chaos

This should have been a noble creature
He hath all the energy
Which would have made a goodly frame of glorious elements
Had they been wisely mingled; as it is,
It is an awful chaos--light and darkness--
And mind and dust--and passions and pure thoughts,
Mix'd and contending without end or order,
All dormant or destructive.

Rest of excerpt (thanks Google!):
He will perish; and yet he must not.
For such are worth redemption; and my duty
Is to dare all things for a righteous end
I'll follow him--but cautiously, though surely.

So yeah...I'm glad I found the rest of the passage--Even awful chaos is worth redemption.

Fair enough.

60.1

Today's Writing Prompt: Hindsight

Complete this thought:

Since "hindsight is 20/20," I now know that....

I now know that all the mistakes I have made in the past were simply learning opportunities. And some were exercises in patience.

So--learn from the past.

Nurture relationships.

Don't hook up with a guy who works at Red Robin.

Talk to strangers as if they were your family...(the family members that you like). The result is amazing.

Alpha Lyric

All I wanna do is find a way back into love
Broken promises for broken hearts
Cried all night til there was nothing more
Don't be so blue, so blue my love
Everybody's talking how I can't can't be your love
Fuck you very much
Girls just wanna have fun
Holding out for that teenage feeling
I can't make it rain
Just a whisper of smoke
Keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere
Life inside the music box ain't easy
Meant for me and I was meant for you
Not like I faint every time we touch
Oh my gosh, my days are getting longer
Pause a moment, waist deep in nihilism
Quit playin' games with my heart
Remind me of all that has changed
Suppose I never let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
These streets have too many names for me
Ugly, but we have the music
Very thought of you and I forget
Words fall through me and always fool me
X...not even going to try
You are what you love
Z [insert zombie lyric here]

Random Stream No. 39d-58

I've been exchanging emails with an old friend the last few days. He asked me about one of my relationships...if it was the same story. Those two little words became a catalyst for a shit ton of thinking.

I downloaded songs from the musical episode of Buffy. Um...and that's all I've been listening to today. "Life's a song you don't get to rehearse" = moderately profound lyrics for a goofy tv show.

I went to Pepe's last night for the first time in months. It was fun...in a weird kind of way.

My fingernails are currently polish-free....and I feel a bit naked.

The new trafficking in persons report is nearly 400 pages....and I should be reading it right now. Oops.

I'm thinking about doing community theater...or something.

I'm also looking at taking a few more grad classes...just for fun. The local IU campus offers a certificate in environmental affairs--and given the toxicity of this area, it'd probably be a good idea to get some more info.

"She is drawn to the fire...some people never learn" also good lyrics. Nice Buffy :)

With this exception of Father Funk, everyone went on a field trip to the grocery store this afternoon. I bought pineapple soda...and I'm super excited to mix it with the passion fruit vodka I have chilling in my freezer.

I read a story about a girl who fell asleep while getting a "few" tattoos on her face. When she woke up she had 56 stars scattered across the left side of her face. How the fuck could you fall and stay asleep when getting tattooed? srsly.

A guy on fcbk prayed for me. He reads far too much into my statuses.

I saw the former "Famous Jett Jackson" on Scrubs last night--he's adorable. And...surely he's over 18 now, right?

Just finished reading an article in a hardcore catholic journal--it used the phrase anti-life as opposed to pro-choice. Ouch.

That is all.

Gagalicious

Found myself rocking out to Lady Gaga after work today*...for the first time, I actually listened to the lyrics to Poker Face. This little bit stuck with me:

"When it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun"

There is a huge part of me that agrees...And I'm unsure how I feel about that.

That is all.


*I've been rocking out to music/dancing around (sometimes naked) in my living room for the last weekish or so after work. I've found it to be rather fun. Which is weird because I don't even like to dance.

Incurable Humanist...You Are?

I don't mean very much to some people. It is evident in their actions. Even visible through their lack of action. This isn't exactly a profound thought...it's not even an epiphany, born out of the convolution of fate uniting with little synapses in my head. No. It's just a thought. Just a statement...I mean very little to some*.

It is the acknowledgment that, no matter how much an individual proclaims their humanist, liberal attitudes, human value is subjective--to some. Value is the rather arbitrary assignment of merit to those who rank value on what they can get from someone, how that individual makes them feel, what they can do, etc.--Most of which are fleeting feelings that undoubtedly cause the aforementioned fickle folks to become...trapped in a vicious circle of constantly comparing one individual's value to someone else's. We all do this to an extent, some are just better at it than others**.

So yeah. Thumbs down to people who suck at subtlety....those who make others not only feel judged, but feel like they've been found wanting or unworthy.



*And fuck, by the way. Not exactly a happy thought.
** i.e. before every dentist appointment, I remind myself of all the wonderful (yeah...right) things that come from seeing a dentist--if I couldn't find any merit, I would never go.

i can't make it rain

I see you out of reach
Even farther than before
I'm falling back 'cause I've
been walking on sand
And my heart is sore

Even when I close my eyes they
still resent the light
And when the sun is gone I'm left
to bear a freezing night

I'll see you when it rains
I'll see you when it pours
Maybe this desert means I'm not made for you
There's nothing I can say
There's nothing I can do
'Cause I can't make you change
Just like I can't make it rain

And I see it all go down
I see your love become disdain
I can't blame or justify anymore
I'm drained and I can't explain

Why even though I turn and see
the sun stretch over sand
I still want to prove myself to
you and where you stand

I'll see you when it rains
I'll see you when it pours
Maybe this desert means I'm not made for you
There's nothing I can say
There's nothing I can do
'Cause I can't make you change
Just like I can't make it rain

But it's never gonna rain
It's never gonna pour
Living in a desert
Silly me to think it would
There's nothing I can say
There's nothing I can do
We're never going to change
so I, I'll see you when it rains

Abandoned Raincoat

She brushed her hair over her face. Just enough to hide her left eye, still swollen from the night before. Glancing back at the unfamiliar image, she smiled in spite of herself. It’s quite remarkable how much makeup can cover. Though she isn’t proud of herself, she is pleased with her powers of deception. Hiding the remnants of the previous evening, the dark eyeliner and concealer made her appear to be a relatively normal version of herself, albeit a bit overdone for lunch with friends. She felt the extra effort was necessary though, given their powers of perception.

She arrived at their usual table a bit early. In part, to prepare herself for the ensuing conversation. Nothing was off limits with these girls. Especially not matters of the heart…or body. She found that a pre-emptive gin and tonic was quite useful when preparing her offense.

Cut to: two hours and three bottles of wine later. The gloves were off, so to speak. All the effort she had gone through to disguise her pain had been futile. They had seen her cover up for what it really was--a meager attempt to mask the anguish she was experiencing. They told her all the things she needed to hear. Everything she already knew, but didn't want to discuss. As if speaking it out loud somehow made it more real, more painful. Thankfully, that particular conversation was brief, as she made it very clear when her appreciation for advice was beginning to evolve into resentment.

She soon found herself in the midst of a very deep discussion about the functionality of a raincoat in winter. Yes…it protected one’s clothes from moisture, but it did little to protect the body from the cold of winter. It was necessary, no matter the quality of raincoat, to have other protection, something more comforting against the cold.

She smiled to herself at the irony of the discussion. She had a real life version of the raincoat…someone who provided the illusion of protection against the elements, but who ultimately failed to provide any substantive function. A coat that provides no warmth or comfort is nothing more than a transparent layer of material. It is of no real value...hence--meaningless. Just as he is. And like the raincoat she dutifully hangs in her closet, she keeps him around as well. Just in case he might one day fulfill a purpose.

Blank Stare

I've been sitting in a daze for the last few minutes. Very still. Staring blankly at the wall while my mind wandered all over the universe. I imagine I would have remained in that state indefinitely--silent, unmoving--if it were not for the tear that rolled down my cheek, awakening me from my pseudo-slumber*.

Sigh. And now that I am awake, it is time to go to sleep.


*The next time I zone out, I should try to remember to blink.

lotus flower

Felt the urge to do something creative tonight. I opted for playing on a piece of paper, rather than directly on my wall as originally intended...

Ignorance = Bliss

Riding the train home from Chicago is always an experience. In the last few months I've encountered the following:

-An old woman who told me that I was spastic.
-A man who sat across the aisle from me so he could get a good look at my chest.
-A woman whom I named Christine who offered to share her drink with me.
-A man who suggestively massaged his bald head for the entire ride.
-A woman who made/collected dolls and loved anime.

It is the last woman who inspires this post...

I didn't get her name...which is surprising given the amount of time spent talking with her. Sailor Moon (as she will now be called) was in town for a doll convention. Given the fact that there was a convention in Chicago, apparently there are lots of folks who are into dolls. Who knew?

During the course of our conversation, Sailor Moon revealed that she was also into anime*...which wasn't really surprising given the...um..."look" of her dolls--which she lovingly displayed. Sitting on the train--like a lady--with my legs crossed and hands folded neatly in my lap--I found myself wondering how it was possible for a 40 minute trip to feel like forever. I also began daydreaming about the crack tea that I was going to pick up on the way home. And then, in an instant, I was snapped back into reality when Sailor Moon placed one of her dolls on my lap. She needed to change her clothes, you see. It was bedtime...and I was apparently her changing station**.

It happens.

The time eventually came to escape the world of dolls and anime. Time to say goodbye to the strange girl and rejoin the "real" world. On the way home, I couldn't help but feel just a twinge of jealousy. Sailor Moon lived in a completely different world than I...and probably most people. She didn't have a job and was living at home with her parents. Her boyfriend cheated on her, but they were trying to work it out. So many things that would cause someone like myself to walk around dripping in black, listening to emo music and thinking about death and how my parents didn't love me enough. But not Sailor Moon.

She was happy. Blissfully so. She had things...many unique things...that she was passionate about. She was able to create a world in which she was a happy, normal, productive person. She doesn't worry about the fact that the area she lives in is being heavily polluted with harmful toxins. She's not concerned with the nuclear arms race. She lives in another world. Seemingly ignorant of the horrors of this one.

And for that I am envious.



*And greeting cards. She didn't make them or even give them out. She collected greeting cards like boys collect baseball cards. That is all.
**I think I'm going to add this to my list of skills on my resume :)

Apparently Life is Funny

Humor came over tonight--Yes Humor.

He and I have been chatting the last few days. Yesterday we had reached what I thought was the end of whatever relationship we had. He has kind of found someone else, you see. Someone who is not me. And for the most part, I'm okay with that. We're not right for each other, I know that. Despite this knowledge, I still want him. Or at least I want to spend time with him...

I thought it was over. No more conversations with him. Alas though, he sent me a text first thing this morning. I, the woman with whom he's undeniably attached to...but not to the point that...I don't know...to the point that he wants to be in a relationship. Or something*.

We chatted back and forth during the day...at times becoming very heated. And despite our rather scandalous text messages from this afternoon (which were so sexually charged I can't even paraphrase them) he was planning on going out with the other girl tonight.

Unfortunately for him, those plans fell through and all he was left with was...me basically. Even though I knew he wanted to be with someone else tonight, I still persuaded him to come over. Hell. I didn't even need to persuade him. He was halfway here when I invited him to come over. I didn't care about the girl he was going to see. What they were going to do. None of that mattered. And he knew it.

As soon as he entered my apartment he started taking off his clothes (so much for foreplay). At one point during our...interaction...I felt motivated to remind him that I wasn't a whore....fuck me. I reminded him that I wasn't a whore. Who does that??? He, of course, was taken aback. And he actually seemed hurt. At first he was defensive, saying he didn't remotely think of me that way. Then he apologized if he had hurt my feelings--because that wasn't at all his intention. Sigh. So then I felt bad for saying anything.

He's gone now and I'm left sitting on my bed...With that stupid lyric stuck in my head--"the smell of your skin lingers on me now"...because that's what I've got going on right now**. I'm fairly certain that all the perfume that I own could not cover up his scent....

So yeah...The events of tonight--combined with the overwhelming feeling that I'm the kind of girl that men must avoid when their girlfriends are away--How is it possible for me to not feel at least a little bit whorish?



*Yet another case of me being attached to an "emotionally unavailable" male. Fuck.
**Thumbs down Fergie.

Drive Me Crazy

I was talking with my mom this afternoon. And by talking I mean...kind of yelling. She wasn't listening to me, so I felt it was necessary to raise the volume of my normally soft voice (and by normally soft I mean when I'm not being a boisterous fool!).

I was trying to explain that I've been feeling a bit off the last few days. Uncharacteristically irritable. Not at all like myself...and that this was something that I had experienced before, but had been able to squash with drugs. She immediately went off on a tangent about how I shouldn't be taking medication...that it was addictive...this coming from the woman who used to be a frequent drug user--ranging from marijuana to God only knows what. I tried to explain that what I am going through, the way I am feeling---is essentially out of my control. I'm sick. It's not my fault, nothing I can help...just a product of bad luck and shitty genes. When I tried to explain the impact that heritage has on mental health, she immediately got defensive. As if I were blaming her and her crazy genes...which wasn't the case. If anything I was just trying to validate how I was feeling at the time.

She ended up hanging up on me. Sigh. Just like old times. What she doesn't realize is that in her haste, she alienated me more than she could ever have imagined. I no longer feel the need to discuss my mental health with her--given her gross misunderstanding. She doesn't want to hear about how I may or may not be struggling. Afraid to hear the truth, which may result in her having to face her own demons, she'd rather pretend that all is well in her incredibly distorted universe.

So yeah...for all intensive purposes I'm going to be the perfectly sane daughter. Awesome.

fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

that is all

no has lost its meaning

She tells him no

But doesn’t mean it

Her words are meaningless

Just as she is

Void of value

It’s her fault

She could exercise her will

If she would only choose to

But she doesn’t

Content with the situation

Or at least convinced that she is

He has her way with her

With no resistance

Tuesday Rant

Trip to Vermont

Addiction

You linger everywhere
Sight, smell, and sound
Reignite a familiar longing
Intoxicating desire
Euphoria, delusions
Like a drug
An addiction

You seep into my veins
Travel to my heart
Causing excitement, thrill
It wanders upward
Whispers in my mind
Of a relationship damaged by fear
Fond memories hush them

Floating above the mistakes
Feelings too powerful to silence
Attachments too strong to break
Pieces of you I can't give back
It's too late
Endlessly insatiable
An addiction