Mythical Friendship

I just finished reading The Myth of You & Me by Leah Stewart. In the bathtub, no less. (I have found that I do some of my best reading there. Bubbles must help word absorption...).

I was initially drawn to the book because of its cover. I thought it would look nice with my collection of red and black books. Being the ever-so-responsible book addict though, I only buy those with which I am inherently interested. (Gotta have some standards). This book was unique in the fact that, unlike so many of my "relationship" books that are academic and unbiased, this was a novel full of emotions and opinion.

The book is essentially about the relationship between two females over a 15ish year span encompassing high school, college, and...whatever comes after. Though they have an intensely close relationship through high school and college, they hit a brick wall after one betrays the other. The story follows the path of the main character on her quest to find her long lost friend. Along the way there is a lot of reminiscing so the reader can see the progression of the friendship. Indeed, until the little snafu, it seems as though the two women had an enviable relationship. At the end of the book, they have a reconnection of sorts, but it's obvious that their relationship can never be what it once was. That too much damage has been done by both parties to ever fully recover.

I haven't gone into such depth with this book because I'm practicing the fine art of critiquing, but rather, to remind myself of the correlations I saw in my own life. So often, I romanticize relationships. Trying to focus only on the positives is indeed an admirable quality, but is also a foolish one. Not allowing oneself to see the true nature of a person is both irresponsible and dangerous.

Janette has been my best friend since high school. It hasn't been an easy friendship by any means. Regardless though, it was always one that I valued dearly. So dearly in fact, that I overlooked many of the problems that were always there. Conflicts that were never truly resolved--though, with my rose-colored glasses, I assumed they were. Despite our closeness, I couldn't see that my best friend was holding on to so much animosity towards me it was like a fuse just waiting to be lit.

While I was viewing the world through an admittedly naive perspective, she was viewing it with a rather tainted lens of her own. She lives in a place where everyone needs to keep score. A place in which it is necessary to keep track of every perceived wrong and every moment that caused a hurt feeling. Unlike my foolish optimism, her skewed perspective does not apparently monitor the very same things that I romanticize--kind words, affection, moments, laughter, comfort. These things are not measured in her system.

A few weeks ago, I (apparently) lit the fuse. I received a nasty email detailing all of the ways I have wronged her. All of the times that I wasn't there for her. All the ways in which I was a bad friend. And though I could offer valid rebuttals for all the claims, I chose the path of least resistance....that is, I chose not to respond. There was no winning for me. A response would've only provoked more anger. And besides, when she ended the letter she essentially ended our friendship. I couldn't find any words to fix what she had so quickly broken.

So now I'm in an interesting place...Mostly waiting for her to come to her senses and apologize for just how wrong she was...Wrong and hurtful. Though I can forgive, there are some things I simply can't forget. Just as the two characters in the book eventually find their respective ways back to each other, I'm sure she and I will once again have a relationship. What it will look like is unclear. Of this I am certain though--it will never be the same.

And that is a very harsh reality to face.