a lovely night, a lovely, niii.....well. a night.

it's 4 a.m.

i can't sleep.

tonight started off incredibly well. then it went all awkward.

i thought i was doing a good job of mingling new friends with old friends.

but with a metaphorical slap in the face, i learned that i wasn't....that i had hurt someone's feelings.

not very friend-like.

so i ended the party.

and had a discussion to try to mend some feelings.

which we did.

but somehow i feel worse.

because it was not only something that i predicted, but could have prevented.

but i didn't.

which makes it worse for me.

being a people pleaser pretty much sucks.

self-awareness isn't all it's cracked up to be.

and i still have more apologies to make.

and i'll probably cry more.

because i'm finally understanding the difference between failed and failure.

and i'll probably be more emo.

not just because i'm hurting, but because i'm sure i made others feel bad too.

despite their understanding.

i couldn't be the right friend for everyone tonight.

and that shakes my core.

and it hurts to have someone cause you to question whether you are the person you thought you were.

it's almost funny....the seemingly consistent presence of these two terms in my life--

how quickly balance can turn into chaos.

that is all.