Girl in a Music Box

a lovely night, a lovely, niii.....well. a night.

2012-01-28T03:04:00.003-06:00

it's 4 a.m.

i can't sleep.

tonight started off incredibly well. then it went all awkward.

i thought i was doing a good job of mingling new friends with old friends.

but with a metaphorical slap in the face, i learned that i wasn't....that i had hurt someone's feelings.

not very friend-like.

so i ended the party.

and had a discussion to try to mend some feelings.

which we did.

but somehow i feel worse.

because it was not only something that i predicted, but could have prevented.

but i didn't.

which makes it worse for me.

being a people pleaser pretty much sucks.

self-awareness isn't all it's cracked up to be.

and i still have more apologies to make.

and i'll probably cry more.

because i'm finally understanding the difference between failed and failure.

and i'll probably be more emo.

not just because i'm hurting, but because i'm sure i made others feel bad too.

despite their understanding.

i couldn't be the right friend for everyone tonight.

and that shakes my core.

and it hurts to have someone cause you to question whether you are the person you thought you were.

it's almost funny....the seemingly consistent presence of these two terms in my life--

how quickly balance can turn into chaos.

that is all.

3rd Time's a Charm?! Nah...

2012-01-25T03:01:00.001-06:00

I actually appreciate this one. Cuteness.

But still = FAIL.

Yep. Still FAIL

2012-01-25T03:00:00.001-06:00

iPhone FAIL

2012-01-25T02:42:00.003-06:00

So the iPhone has tons of great features. You can search, for instance, by speaking or taking a picture. However...

Camera magic = FAIL.

I took a picture of myself a few moments ago. There are pictures of me floating around the interwebs**, so...given the awesomeness of technology, I assumed a picture of myself would appear....Not so much.

Below was one of the options that popped up in response:

The picture is actually quite striking. Mayhaps this failure of technology will be something fun for me to play with? Hm...

**And also of Janeane Garofalo and James Spader, both of which a computer program reported I had similar features to so I would have accepted images of them as well.

higher window

2012-01-18T15:26:00.000-06:00

New Stuff

2012-01-17T20:44:00.002-06:00

2012-01-17T02:59:00.001-06:00

I love it when you can just tell someone is smiling by the tone of their voice.

That is all.

Bangin'

2012-01-16T15:24:00.007-06:00

There's always something exciting about getting a new hair cut. It's like you're being given the chance to be someone else for a while...I think this chick might actually think it's okay to leave Christmas lights up after the season has ended...Weird.

A Small Howl

2012-01-16T03:35:00.004-06:00

who copulated ecstatic and insatiate and fell off the bed, and continued along the floor and down the hall and ended fainting on the wall with a vision of ultimate cunt and come eluding the last gyzym of consciousness...

who wept at the romance of the streets with their pushcarts full of onions and bad music...

who scribbled all night rocking and rolling over lofty incantations which in the yellow morning were stanzas of gibberish...

Yep. One of those nights.

Fidelity's Dancer

2012-01-06T00:32:00.004-06:00

Dance, ballerina, dance

Walk around on your toes
Float on fantasy
Get lost in whimsy
Spin until you can't see clearly

But don't ever stop
You'll end up dizzy and hurt
You might lose your nerve
And choose never to fly again

You might be scared of falling
And start keeping one foot on the ground
You'll throw away your costumes
And your special shoes

You'll lock away your dreams
Banish your hopes
And start walking on your feet
Just like the rest

'bama

2011-12-25T23:16:00.006-06:00

I'm visiting the fam in Alabama. I've been here since...Tuesday? Time works differently down here. And not just because I'm in a different time zone. It's strange. It's like it goes by sooo quickly and so slowly at the same time. Maybe it's just that the days go by quickly but nights drag on. Usually I'm okay with being a night owl, but here it feels extra taboo. Everyone goes to sleep early so I'm left to my own devices at night...and since I'm out of my element a bit, I do even more thinking/dwelling/pontificating than normal.

I was reminded today of how awesome my family is. Lots of selflessness. Big hearts. Love.

My grandmother was kind of screwed over by one of her neighbors and rather than, I don't know...holding a grudge, my grandmother told her that she just didn't know how to help her and that she felt sorry for her situation. I'm too lazy to articulate the details, let's just say my gma reminded me of the person I want to be again. I've lost some of that somethin' special that makes me...me. Over the last few months I've become increasingly jaded and skeptical of people's motives. It's easy to go with the flow when life's working in your favor. The true test of a person's character is revealed when shit hits the fan. I think MLK said that...

My mom has also been pretty awesome. Though I know she's not thrilled to be here, she's really doing a great job of taking care of everyone. She's assumed the role of caretaker for pretty much everyone here. It's a lot to deal with and I respect her for doing it.

So yeah...Going to bed thankful for having a wonderful family. Definitely something I need to do more often.

That is all.

Birthday Thoughts

2011-12-12T22:34:00.003-06:00

1. Expect the unexpected.
2. No relationships are safe.
3. Sometimes it's okay to keep the walls up.
4. Emotional decision-making can be problematic.
5. Pets are special.
6. Creativity is important.
7. Money is overrated.
8. Swimming makes me feel like a kid.
9. Thank friends for sharing music.
10. Be more forgiving, yet strong.
11. Cry more.
12. Laugh more.
13. Sing a little less in public.
14. Stop walking around like a ballerina.
15. Appreciate the things that make people special.
16. Lose some ego.
17. Keep toenails painted.
18. Be who others think I am.
19. Do what I'm capable of doing.
20. Appreciate the serenity in silence.
21. Let go of the need for balance and chaos.
22. Fall and get back up.
23. Create old jokes with new friends.
24. Try to keep shoes on when teaching.
25. Sing in the shower much more loudly.
26. Stay on one side of the bed.
27. Try not to make phone calls after midnight.
28. Bring back some optimism.

Lost Birthday

2011-12-03T00:46:00.008-06:00

Today is Janette's birthday.

It's the first time in a dozen years or so that I won't be wishing my best friend a happy birthday. I won't be celebrating her birthday, or even our birthdays in a combined mash up (as was the case in our younger days). Le sigh. I miss her terribly. More so than she could ever realize. I'll sometimes randomly find myself crying for what I've lost, only to realize that it was our friendship. (Shopping for produce is a dangerous thing!).

At the same time though, there's some serious mending that needs to be done...And I don't even think she understands...any of it. Saying that someone is a horrible person...actually detailing the ways in which someone has failed you, is a very powerful thing. And a very hurtful thing for those on the receiving end. I know that somehow I made her feel that way...which was never my intention. Maybe we've hit something so hurtful, so painful, that it is insurmountable. Especially when the list goes on for years...Which is a very sad thing. How can you have a relationship with someone that is unbeknownst to you, so flawed?

I stumbled upon this picture a few hours ago. Rather strange considering I was looking for something different entirely. It was taken when we were sixteen. That night I found out my uncle was sick and needed to be taken to the hospital. I needed her then.

And then there's this one, stumbled on rather deliberately. Taken about a decade later outside of a Regina Spektor concert. I needed my best friend to be there too. Something that I would remember forever certainly warranted one of the most important people in my life.

It's funny how much things can change over time...how much they can stay the same.

Happy birthday, Janette.

2011-11-29T00:32:00.000-06:00

Oh Bother!

2011-11-28T23:20:00.003-06:00

So you know how sometimes there are things that shouldn't bother you...things that have no direct bearing on your life but somehow end up bothering the fuck out of you? I've got that going on right now. I suppose it's not really a "bother" kind of issue. It's more of a continually present thought of "Hmm...." Which in and of itself isn't a bad thing. But where that thought process goes....well, that's another story.

Daydreaming, fantasizing, eek....just having an imagination can lead to very dangerous things. It can stir up feelings, cause a shit ton of reminiscing and general uneasiness, even blur the line between fantasy and reality.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. I guess I just have something on my mind that's causing too many "Hmms"...

That is all.

it's gonna be alright

2011-11-26T00:14:00.004-06:00

Kyle sent me a link to this video last night. He could tell from our talk that I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with life right now. I'm trying to retain my optimism but it's rough sometimes, you know?

I've always enjoyed this song, but it really affected me last night. I think it was the sentiment behind the gesture. I may or may not have cried while laying in bed watching it on my phone. Which may or may not have caused fluid to leak in my ear. Which may or may not have made it difficult to hear anything today. Or walk straight.

Smile. It's nice to have friends.

first day of my life

2011-11-24T00:44:00.001-06:00

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up
And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery
Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Baked.

2011-11-24T00:28:00.003-06:00

This will be my first Thanksgiving alone. I've received a few invites to dinner, but opted instead to celebrate the holiday at home.

It's rather strange. Choosing to be alone on a holiday. It almost feels as though I've given up on something. As if I've resigned to be a certain way...or to feel a certain way. Ha. Or maybe it's just that I've once again overly embraced my independence and am in a "I don't need other people" kinda phase. (I'm sure it'll pass with the quickness).

Or maybe everything's a little kooky because I'm hopped up on too much cold medicine, finally physically feeling the way my emotions have been thrashed the last few...months.

Le sigh. Happy Holidays.

Mythical Friendship

2011-11-15T00:07:00.004-06:00

I just finished reading The Myth of You & Me by Leah Stewart. In the bathtub, no less. (I have found that I do some of my best reading there. Bubbles must help word absorption...).

I was initially drawn to the book because of its cover. I thought it would look nice with my collection of red and black books. Being the ever-so-responsible book addict though, I only buy those with which I am inherently interested. (Gotta have some standards). This book was unique in the fact that, unlike so many of my "relationship" books that are academic and unbiased, this was a novel full of emotions and opinion.

The book is essentially about the relationship between two females over a 15ish year span encompassing high school, college, and...whatever comes after. Though they have an intensely close relationship through high school and college, they hit a brick wall after one betrays the other. The story follows the path of the main character on her quest to find her long lost friend. Along the way there is a lot of reminiscing so the reader can see the progression of the friendship. Indeed, until the little snafu, it seems as though the two women had an enviable relationship. At the end of the book, they have a reconnection of sorts, but it's obvious that their relationship can never be what it once was. That too much damage has been done by both parties to ever fully recover.

I haven't gone into such depth with this book because I'm practicing the fine art of critiquing, but rather, to remind myself of the correlations I saw in my own life. So often, I romanticize relationships. Trying to focus only on the positives is indeed an admirable quality, but is also a foolish one. Not allowing oneself to see the true nature of a person is both irresponsible and dangerous.

Janette has been my best friend since high school. It hasn't been an easy friendship by any means. Regardless though, it was always one that I valued dearly. So dearly in fact, that I overlooked many of the problems that were always there. Conflicts that were never truly resolved--though, with my rose-colored glasses, I assumed they were. Despite our closeness, I couldn't see that my best friend was holding on to so much animosity towards me it was like a fuse just waiting to be lit.

While I was viewing the world through an admittedly naive perspective, she was viewing it with a rather tainted lens of her own. She lives in a place where everyone needs to keep score. A place in which it is necessary to keep track of every perceived wrong and every moment that caused a hurt feeling. Unlike my foolish optimism, her skewed perspective does not apparently monitor the very same things that I romanticize--kind words, affection, moments, laughter, comfort. These things are not measured in her system.

A few weeks ago, I (apparently) lit the fuse. I received a nasty email detailing all of the ways I have wronged her. All of the times that I wasn't there for her. All the ways in which I was a bad friend. And though I could offer valid rebuttals for all the claims, I chose the path of least resistance....that is, I chose not to respond. There was no winning for me. A response would've only provoked more anger. And besides, when she ended the letter she essentially ended our friendship. I couldn't find any words to fix what she had so quickly broken.

So now I'm in an interesting place...Mostly waiting for her to come to her senses and apologize for just how wrong she was...Wrong and hurtful. Though I can forgive, there are some things I simply can't forget. Just as the two characters in the book eventually find their respective ways back to each other, I'm sure she and I will once again have a relationship. What it will look like is unclear. Of this I am certain though--it will never be the same.

And that is a very harsh reality to face.

Nate Nate!!

2011-11-11T21:25:00.003-06:00

Nathan is coming back to Indiana for a few days next week. I'm super excited to see him. There are already plans for Puerta's. Good times will be had.

We may also have to recreate this photo. I'm not sure I can produce that many teeth again, and I'm pretty sure his smile is a delicate blend of cheesiness and joy....I'm sure we'll manage though!

Retail w/ a Twist

2011-11-10T19:50:00.004-06:00

Today was my first official day working as a volunteer for a great little shop that works with artisans all over the world--tons of fair trade products, amazing little creations that are not only great and useful products, but are built with such love and compassion that even the most simple set of chopsticks is transformed into a unique gift.

The highlight of my day was a conversation I had with a little girl who asked me if I was a princess. We had a nice little chat about my royal background. It was delightful.

It was also nice to be in an environment that allows me to share my knowledge of trafficking and the importance of fair trade. It's like I get to teach while I'm selling really meaningful products. And it's a great way to keep myself busy til a full time gig comes around.

So...yayay!

That is all.

i'm all out of love

2011-11-04T00:36:00.002-05:00

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know

I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong

I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too?
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now?
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone

Le Passion

2011-10-27T02:20:00.003-05:00

Nik got so excited telling me the story about this little guy that washed up on a beach somewhere (in my sleepdrunk state the details are fuzzy). He was just...so damn excited about it. Completely buzzin with passion. For him, this fella represents art. The freedom of it...the subjectivity. We talked about art for a while....sort of got lost in it really. It was a really great way to spend the evening. Le sigh. At one point he even read some poetry. Le sigh again.

It's so nice when people trust you enough to let their guards down. When they geek out for a few moments. It's what I imagine psychiatrists feel when they've had a break through with a patient. Or mayhaps how a parent feels when a child decides to read them a book instead.

It's a mixture of wonderment and grace, because with instances like this, it feels like you've been given a gift.

Or maybe that's just me?

Fickle me this...

2011-10-16T17:09:00.002-05:00

I got my nose pierced about a month and a half ago. My grandmother got her's done at the same time...which was incredibly cool. After a few weeks though, I had grown bored with the piercing so I took it out. I'm pretty sure this is the only picture I have of me with yet another hole in my head.

Yayay for random snapshots :)

Importance of Creativity

2011-10-16T17:06:00.000-05:00

Connections

2011-10-15T03:04:00.006-05:00

We had a great discussion about racism in class tonight. The kind of discussion that reminds me that despite whatever reservations I have about humanity, (I've lost my faith in it more than once...) hope remains...mostly.

In theory, class went perfectly well. There was great discussion. Everybody agreed that not only racism, but general discrimination as a whole was a shitty concept and that we should work together to eradicate it....this general consensus remained until one of my more talkative students decided to add something to the discussion. And then--just like that--discrimination was bountiful.

Before he could even begin speaking, several girls on the other side of the classroom rolled their eyes. As he spoke, there were murmurs throughout the classroom. Of what they were saying, I couldn't be sure. But it was probably something derogatory about my student, or at the very least they were against what he was saying.

Regardless, it took several, "Let's listen" and "Focus, please" to get the majority of the class to quiet down. At one point the student who was trying to get his point across actually acknowledged the lack of good listening skills and waited until the room quieted before he began speaking again...after which, many students surprisingly (I bet) found themselves agreeing with what he had said.

What gets me the most is that this kid was not discriminated against because of his race or social standing (though either would be atrocious), but because he chose to speak. He speaks when others are silent. He contributes and tries to motivate while others are content with silence. He's vocal and people give him shit about it.

Maybe I'm extra sensitive about this because I can relate. I'm generally the vocal person that makes people uncomfortable. And I often get shit about it.

I walked out with him after class. We were talking about his busy work schedule and how he was trying to balance everything. I felt like I had a great opportunity to impart some wisdom or comfort. To tell him that those other students were idiots and that he shouldn't ever feel bad for being honest....or for being vocal for that matter. That silence isn't always golden and that...that there's a blaze of light in every word so speak, speak, speak! Something. But I didn't. I couldn't. I still struggle with those issues so I'd be a hypocrite if I said anything to the contrary...Right?

In my battle with sleep tonight I realized that I don't have to have conquered those demons yet to comment on them. I can commiserate. I can empathize. I can share my experiences and offer some potential words of wisdom. I'm not powerless in the situation with this student anymore than I am powerless in my own life. Tonight, I wished him a pleasant evening. Tomorrow, I'll be more prepared to be the person I should be. The one I want to be.

There are certain people that we connect with in life. For whatever reason there's a spark that brings the two individuals together. Your interaction can be brief, lasting only a few minutes, or it can be a much longer, more substantial relationship that lasts months or even years. Much of the time we don't know why we connect with the people we do. But I think it's foolish to deny these connections. These relationships, sparks, and attractions exist for a reason. Sometimes it's easy to understand why certain people are in your life. With others it takes more work...but that's the fun part.

Don't Look Back

2011-10-12T01:20:00.003-05:00

Orpheus melted the heart of Persephone, but I never had yours
I followed you back to the end of the path, but I never found the door
And you can work to save your love
You can bear it from the earth below
You can work but you can’t let go
Oh, oh but you have to know
Don’t look back all you’ll ever get is the dust from the steps before
I don’t have to see you every day, but I just want to know you’re there
Quietly took to the dark of the day and the heat of the summer night
The heat of the breeze was a cell block wall and when I looked you were out of sight
And you can work to save your love
You can bear it from the earth below
You can work but you can’t let go
Oh, oh but you have to know...

happiness is..

2011-10-12T01:16:00.005-05:00

"...happiness is almost definitionally a condition of which you are not aware at the time. To inhabit your own contentment is to be wholly present, with no orbiting satellite to take clinical readings of the state of the planet. Conventionally, you grow conscious of happiness at the very point that it begins to elude you. When not misused to talk yourself into something--when not a lie--the h-word is a classification applied in retrospect. It is a bracketing assessment, a label only decisively pasted onto an era once it is over..."

The Post-Birthday World, p. 70

Moving In With A Hangover

2011-10-06T01:49:00.004-05:00

Tonight it took Nik and I nearly 7 hours to watch The Hangover. There was lots of pausing, you see. Lots of readjusting on the couch. Something shiny refill breaks, cigarette breaks (which I'm strongly discouraging), sex talk breaks, break breaks, etc. Overall it was a good time. As always.

At one point I casually brought up the notion that he should just move in. It just makes sense. He has two jobs in this city and lives in another. And there's plenty of space. Long drives home in the middle of winter just sounds terrible anyway. I would be perpetually concerned about his safety. That's just who I be. About halfway through my justification speech he stopped me and said that he had been thinking about it too, because (like me) to him it just made sense. He was sort of waiting for the right time to bring it up.

Huh.

So there's that.

I guess that is all...?

I mean, it's not really all, but it's all I can really articulate right now...so yeah.

no distance left to run

2011-10-04T17:26:00.000-05:00

2011-10-01T02:47:00.001-05:00

Niiiice.

Cheatercheaterpumpkineater

2011-10-01T01:28:00.004-05:00

Mirror Mystery

2011-09-30T01:59:00.007-05:00

I couldn't sleep...again...So I thought I'd organize my pc a bit. While poking around I found a couple of photos from...I can't even remember when. Or where.

This is one of them:
From the looks of the fancy mirror, I'm guessing that I was at a hotel. Maybe for a conference? Or was it a fun weekend in Chicago? New York? There's some eyeliner running about, so I was definitely headed out of wherever I was.

I'm not sure why, but I can't help but love this picture. I'm clearly pleased with where I'm at during the moment. Not overtly happy, but there's almost an element of anticipation...as if I'm pleased with what's about to happen---which completely makes sense as I'm definitely the kind of girl who relishes in anticipation.

I'm not going to work on figuring this picture out any longer. I'll toss it in a "Randoms" folder and be done with it. I'd prefer to allow it to maintain some mystery.

My Drunk Evening

2011-09-27T22:48:00.002-05:00

Sometimes when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Other times though, you make a lemondrop martini...or several as the case may be this evening.

I love teaching, I really do. No sad faces in that regard. It's the other stuff...like not having a full time job (read: not having enough monies to pay the bills) that has been getting me down.

I'm usually so optimistic...disturbingly so in fact. But the last few days have been a challenge----mostly because I don't do well with a lot of time on my hands. I need to stay busy for my sanity otherwise I end up getting lost in my memories and emotions and it's just...and it's just silly.

I have been thinking about Alex so much the last few weeks. I really can't help it. I try not to, but to no avail. We used to have this really good connection, and ...well. I miss it. It's nice having someone just look at you and know that you've got something brewing. It's nice to have reminders left on your skin the next day from an intensely passionate evening. That's not something that happens with everyone, or in every relationship. Having an insatiable attraction is a rarity...or so I'm learning. And...and I just miss him as a friend, you know? The fun banter. The intensity. The silly discussions about wrestling. All of it. Miss it. Miss him.

And so, in my drunken (or even sober) state, I've caught myself doing far too much reminiscing. I need to do more living. Nik's coming over tomorrow. Mayhaps I'll live then. For now though...for this night, I'll think fondly of a lover that time has refused to allow me to let go of.

And I'll also probably spend a considerable amount of time questioning my decision to sneak in a glass of moscato halfway through my lemondrop experience.

That is all.

Chaotic Sheep

2011-09-26T01:29:00.008-05:00

Val and I just finished talking...Chatting after midnight has become a ritual as of late...seeing as we're both unemployed (mostly) and trying to maintain some semblance of sanity. It helps us to commiserate over the dramas and tribulations of our respective days. She understands me, and I her.

When I called tonight, well after midnight, I had mostly intended on the usual catch up. How are you feeling, any job news, what's going on with relationships, etc. We covered all those bases and then moved on to some more serious issues. Family problems. Internal struggles. Missed relatives. Things that just make the tears flow out so smoothly and unexpectedly that your face is a puddled mess before you can even realize what's happening. A conversation truly reflective of a well-crafted friendship.

We also talked about our mutual aversions to sleep as it's become an increasingly difficult task for us both. She said that she often thinks of positive comforting things, like the relationship she had with her grandmother. When she asked what I did when I was finding that sleep was being particularly elusive, I rather sheepishly admitted that I force myself to remember what it was like sleeping with Alex.

To clarify, I stressed the word "sleep." I don't think about the excitement or the passion and thrill of sleeping with him (that would be counterproductive in the sleepy endeavor), I instead focus on the high level of comfort that I felt just being near him. Bodies so close. Warmth. Usually a protective arm strung over my body. Sleeping with him was like one long hug. I felt very safe...Sadly, not a feeling I've had with every lover.

It is this feeling that I occasionally try to tap into. Sometimes I'll even go so far as to surround myself with pillows in an effort to recreate the warmth and....um...surroundedness. It's not the same though. I suppose there simply aren't enough material comforts to replicate the alchemy he and I shared.

Oh well. Beats counting sheep.

That is all.

2011-09-25T20:00:00.001-05:00

"Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul."----max ehrmann

2011-09-19T20:06:00.001-05:00

Vinegasm

2011-09-15T01:06:00.003-05:00

I've been having difficulties sleeping. Having too much time to think has definitely been working to my disadvantage. Instead of tossing and turning like last night, I decided to be a bit more productive this evening.

I painted.

And painted.....

I had no real direction when I started...or even as I was working. My goal was to get something down as fast as possible...as if somehow exhausting whatever creative energy I had would also help me sleep.

Hopefully it worked.

That is all.

get me away from here i'm dying

2011-09-10T22:11:00.002-05:00

Oh, get me away from here I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
So it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours
Here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way
You could either be successful or be us
With our winning smiles, and us
With our catchy tunes and words
Now we're photogenic
You know, we don't stand a chance

Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
About a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone
You're so naive!
They always reach a sorry ending
They always get it in the end
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
With a winning smile, the poor boy
With naivety succeeds
At the final moment, I cried
I always cry at endings

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
Falling against the lonely tenement
Has set my mind to wander
Into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
Said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

Mamma Mia

2011-09-05T00:35:00.006-05:00

I had a delightful wknd! Mia came over from Chitown.

It was so wonderful--we didn't really do anything special, but good times were had.

There was some random karaoke in the living room, sunning it up by the pool, Will Ferrell, and musical marathons (which promoted some sing-a-long). In between these little adventures, we'd catch up on life, discuss the insanity that was this town this wknd (helllooo football season!), and also pondered what to do with my Indian stalker (which we never resolved...)---srsly--I recieved at least 4 texts and two phone calls, and this is after the very clear "I don't want to date you" conversation. Ayeayeaye.

Focus.

It was nice to have someone visit me for a change. Usually I'm the one doing all the traveling. So yeah. Yayay for that! Also, Mia brought me a huge tomato. A true friend always knows the perfect gift ;)

Playing Catch...Up

2011-08-28T00:13:00.004-05:00

I had some really great conversations today. Like really great.

They weren't just great because of what we were talking about (because some of the convos actually were of a pretty serious nature). It was the people that I was interacting with. The timing for all this bonding was completely perfect too as I've really been craving some socialization this week. (Note: My week began by receiving some unwanted attention from an MBA student from Mumbai...he did this thing where he twirled his finger on my shoulder and...just...ick...so didn't want that from him...that is all.)

My interesting series of chats started out with Nik. We watched Archer until the sun was almost awake. In between episodes of our marathon session this morning we talked about random things. Many of which I can't precisely remember* but I do remember laughing a lot--which is always a good thing.

I was finally able to catch up with Brit this evening. We always seem to miss each other so when we do talk it's for hours. It's funny. As she said tonight, we are such seemingly different people but we each value our friendship so much that we make it work...even if we go months without speaking. Once we do reconnect it's never hard to pick up where we left off. I think that's a sign of an incredibly healthy relationship.

I ended the night with a long chat with Anna. We have this nice mutual relationship in which we take turns venting and offering advice. Our personalities are extremely similar so it's really nice to talk to someone who quite literally knows exactly where you're coming from.

So yeah. Good talk(s). There was laughter. There were tears. Great people. Great relationships.

Good times.

*At one point I was so sleep drunk my brain was on auto pilot but I was apparently able to hold a conversation...or Nik was just being polite by not pointing out the fact that I was incoherent...I'm going to pretend it was the former...or was it the latter? Shit. I always switch those...

Classy

2011-08-23T22:50:00.003-05:00

Benefits of Technology?

2011-08-22T00:11:00.003-05:00

I feel like I've lost a friend. It hurts.

I don't know what happened...I don't know if anything happened, really. Maybe I'm just being dramatic (it's been known to happen). Maybe it's just miscommunication. Or lack of communication. But I feel like I've tried making contact and have been...I don't know. Ignored? There hasn't been any response on his part and I feel like I've thrown out many, "Hey, how ya doin'?" kinda things over the last few weeks. Shit. Maybe the last few months?

Le sigh.

Regardless, it's a terribly unpleasant feeling. I'm feeling hurt and sad and confused all at the same time. And the silly thing is it could all be for nothing.

This is the consequence of technology. Of having contact at your fingertips. There seems to be little justifiable excuse for a lack of response on the behalf of one party. "Sorry, I've been busy" just doesn't seem to be good enough when it's so easy to respond through fcbk, texting, and the like...you know? It's not necessary to keep one guessing or to postpone a conversation or... whatever.

The advances in technology have taken away the luxury of missing calls and messages. I mean, in theory it does. But there's always some way to contact someone. Your phone doesn't forget that you've received a call. Facebook doesn't neglect to tell you that you've gotten a message. The burden of communication has been transferred in a sense. It has taken away our excuses.

Is that good thing?

Or a bad thing....?

Power Ballad from Queen Latifah

2011-08-20T00:05:00.005-05:00

I'll be living single once again.

My grandmother is coming up tomorrow to take my mom back to Alabama with her. I'm thankful she's able to do it. Things were starting just getting too tense...and there were some blowouts. Completely unnecessary and way too stressful.

Because I'm an over-sensitive nut job, I've been overwhelmed with guilt today. Like...I know I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting my own space. Living my own life, etc....but I kind of feel like an asshole for asking my mom to leave. I mean, I did so in a nice way...she pretty much volunteered so I didn't have to ask. But still.

Before coming here, my gma stopped at my mom's old bf's house to get her stuff. She needed to do it first because my mom couldn't handle going back to his house---which I absolutely get. There were times, shortly after moving out of Alex's apartment, that I couldn't even go to that side of town. Once a trip to Meijer brought about a panic attack (in the fucking produce section), just because we used to shop there together. It's silly really...how much power we give certain people, places, and things. Though we are the ones with the power, we end up feeling completely powerless.

A Quest

2011-08-11T00:56:00.002-05:00

I went on a magical quest with Nik today. We found a sacred object (a rake), met a very important person (a former NBA star who now owns a Jamba Juice--and from whom I requested a hug because I saw him hugging all his employees and I felt left out), defeated a foe (Nik raked and mowed an untamed yard while I supervised), and then had a victory party (went to an Italian restaurant and had good wine and even better conversation). It was an epic day.

It's funny...as I was watching Nik toil away, I couldn't help but be overtaken by the simplicity of it all. I spent an hour sippin' on Jamba Juice while he worked. Nothing exciting or extraordinary going on...And as strange as it sounds? It felt like that's exactly how I should've been spending my day. It was very comfortable, and despite the fact that it was a first, it was a very familiar experience. Weird, huh?

I guess what I've learned on my quest is that I've found a great person with whom I can be comfortable with. Someone who won't judge me for randomly asking a stranger for a hug. Hell, someone who appreciates that I do such things---which reveals so much because I've got a lot of personality and it's not for everyone.

Tomorrow we're going to Lang Lab to see a band that is essentially a small orchestra. Lots of stringed instruments. Good music, good company. How can that not be an awesome time?!

That is all.

Shaping Young Minds

2011-08-04T23:51:00.003-05:00

I got a new job!

(Again).

This time I shall be teaching. Like in the classroom. Like a REAL teacher. Can I get a "fuck me!"? Phew.

inescapable

2011-07-25T23:09:00.003-05:00

i see you everywhere
parked on the street corner
driving on the highway

i hear you at work
in the car
on the radio

i tried to be blind
and to block out the sound
but to no avail

i can still see you
i can still hear you
i still feel you

Lost in Londontown

2011-07-25T22:33:00.002-05:00

I had a memory resurface this morning of my trip to Europe. Lindsay and I were exploring London rather late in the evening. Like responsible girls, we were taking the tube to get around the city. At one point during the evening we briefly lost each other. She stayed on the train and I hopped off (there was some clear confusion as to where we were going...).

For a few brief moments I was lost. Not in the physical sense as I hadn't really moved, but in the, "hey I don't know where I am or what to do in the universe" sense. Things worked out rather well. Lindsay simply hopped the next train in my direction and we were reconnected in a matter of minutes. So, ultimately...not so bad. The potential for a disaster though was quite high.

I bring this up because I'm occasionally hit by the same feeling of being lost. Everything is mostly right in my little universe. There are minimal changes going on around me...but for some reason I can't help but feel that profound feeling. Like the potential for disaster really is just lurking around the corner.

This is a really shitty feeling to have.

I wonder if this is what it's supposed to feel like when you're an adult? To be constantly worried about bills, job, etc. To have an insatiable craving to create that constantly gets pushed aside for more pressing matters. And to have this strong desire to connect with someone, even for just a little while--so that for a few brief moments everything else fades away and all that's left is this feeling of...being human.

Sweet Emotion

2011-07-23T00:12:00.004-05:00

Tonight was a night of mixed emotions.

I went over to Nik's to watch the first season of the Sarah Silverman show. I was excited because it's been...years since I've seen the show and I really enjoy spending time with Nik.

The last time I watched it was with Kyle. When he and I were watching it, there was this really great moment in which he paused the show, looked at me and said, "That's you!" and pointed at the screen. He then preceded to list the similarities between Ms. Silverman and myself. I wasn't remotely offended. He had been picking up on all her little nuances and it apparently reminded him of me. Because he knew me so well. It was...actually kind of sweet.

Tonight though, was different. Nik and I are still getting to know each other. I told him the story about Kyle and said that I would point out the similarities between SS and myself....I didn't even make it through the first episode though. It's one thing to point out those intricacies on your own, it's another to have someone just...just know you enough to point them out for you.

I don't know. Does that make sense?

I still had a delightful evening regardless...and though I am feeling a bit nostalgic at the moment for the relationship I had with Kyle, I'm also excited about the promise of the new one with Nik--because every relationship has to begin somewhere...and getting to know people pleases me endlessly.

That is all.

tears for fears

2011-07-19T15:24:00.003-05:00

I spent too much time in the sun today. Evil pool. Distracting me with your water and stuff. Though...it is nice to be distracted.

Yesterday my employer gave me a vacation. An unpaid vacay (read: lay off). He said he just couldn't afford me right now. Something about too many clients not paying up and how the big project he hired me for wasn't official yet because someone's dicking around, essentially. It was hard to hear through my tears. He said other things...about how he hated to do this and that he'd hire me back as soon as possible. While he was running through his speech, I watched his partner who was sitting behind him. He too, was crying. I know that I'm valued at that organization. That my presence and my work are valuable. Which helps...a bit.

So...I guess it could be worse. I wasn't fired or anything tragic like that. When the money comes back, I can too. Which could just be a few weeks. And I still have my teaching gig and my old job (thru August). But still. It doesn't feel good.

Mayhaps I'll go visit the pool again. For some more distraction, of course. Just writing about the situation makes me frown.

That is all.

Mostly a Stream

2011-07-10T00:32:00.005-05:00

I should be sleeping now but my brain won't shut off.

I bought a new couch today. Dropped $1200 bucks without even wincing. Something is clearly wrong. Or it could just be my "I don't give a fuck mentality" that I've got going on (which is total bullshit because I do give a fuck...pretty much about everything). Pretending to not care is way easier though and right now I need a break from caring. Life's been happening in a big bad way and I need a little time out.

I told my mom about an incident that happened to me when I was younger. Though I'm completely fine (I have a penchant for blocking out the negative), she was pretty torn up. When we were talking, I felt like a robot. Completely cool. Logical. Emotionless. Which is the opposite of how I usually am...Irregardless, she didn't understand how I could be so nonchalant. At one point she looked at me like I was crazy--when she was the one getting worked up over something that 1. happened 20 years ago and 2. hasn't really affected me.

Tom Hanks makes me incredibly happy. His laugh is so infectious.

Also fun? Doing flips in the pool and coming up really fast so that your equilibrium is thrown off for a few seconds. It makes me giggle every single time.

I met a little girl at the pool today. We have the same birthday.

I think my tear ducts are broken. I can't seem to cry. Maybe I am a robot.

I went to an apartment last night with one of my new work friends. The apartment was at an old renovated high school and happened to be the pool room. It was amazing! As was the new tenant, Gus (who I may have to marry). He has such a delightful personality...You just want to hug him immediately.

I have a report due the end of the month for my old job....I keep procrastinating on it. It'll get done...I've sort of conditioned myself to work better under extreme stress though, so I'll probably wait til the last minute.

My masseuse told me I need to throw my shoulders back and stick my chest out. Somehow that seems like a bad idea.

I'm missing lots of people right now.

I'm thankful that my bed is comfortable. And big. I think I may try to sleep sideways on it tonight. Just to change it up.

That is all.

2011-07-09T15:52:00.002-05:00

missyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyoumissyou.

that is all.

Swan Dive into Life

2011-07-01T18:26:00.001-05:00

So I randomly stumbled across an article about Natalie Portman and her performance in Black Swan. I have no idea why I even read the article. The movie was just...eh. It definitely had its moments, but mostly...eh. And though I appreciate Portman's body of work (especially her mad rappin' skillz), I'm not usually so moved as to investigate any further into her life than the tidbits I accidentally stumble across. Regardless though, it's Friday morning and perusing celebrity news seemed to be an attractive choice when compared with actually working.

What I found most intriguing, and what prompted this posting was that in the article, Aronofsky states, "The only way to be perfect is to allow chaos and madness into your life...."

How interesting.

Of course this quote stood out for me. I have a special place in my heart for anything related to the word chaos, and Kerouac with his eloquent phrasing, forever affected my view of madness.

I agree with Aronofsky. I think we do have to allow chaos and madness into our lives in order to not only grow as individuals, but to gain a better appreciation of life when it's not filled with insanity. With that being said, I must say that recent years have taught me that not only do I appreciate chaos, I crave it. Yes, madness inevitably accompanies chaos, but that also keeps life exciting.

I don't want to live a life that's boring. I want to do work that genuinely makes me happy. I want to be surrounded by people who force me to better myself. I want to find someone to make my heart race. To make me do things I wouldn't normally do. To make me confess my deepest desires. Fuck. To just provoke raw honesty because we have no need or reason to hide from each other...Is that so much to ask?

2011-06-14T22:13:00.002-05:00

So the new CAKE album is sitting on the floor. I bought it a few days ago and just haven't had the gumption to open it....it's as though I'm waiting for something to happen...some sort of musical emergency in which I desperately need new music for which CAKE will be my salvation.

That is all.

2011-06-14T22:10:00.000-05:00

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe

not about love...or my new apartment

2011-06-13T22:13:00.003-05:00

Tonight is my first night in the new apartment.

I have the basics: air mattress, some clothes, Phineas and Ferb fruit snacks. I'm tempted just to leave everything else in Chicago...Wouldn't that be nice? To start over again?

For some reason I've caught myself reminiscing more than usual today. The blank canvass that is this apartment reminds me of the one I shared with Alex. He had a very minimalist vibe going. Mayhaps my current lack of stuff is resonating and causing memories to do a little mind fuck every few hours.

Or maybe I've got the memory jolts because it's June and there were some pretty fun things happening between he and I last June. And then it just ended. Without warning. It's funny how so much can change in a year...in a month, a day.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow?

Hot Blooded

2011-06-06T21:11:00.004-05:00

Staying in a hotel again. Only two nights left--signing the lease on the new apartment on Monday.

Though the past few weeks have certainly drained my bank account, hotelling it hasn't been a terrible experience...I say that as I cringe over the air conditioner that's just kicked on in the most obnoxious way for at least the billionth time tonight. Oh hyperbole.

I don't mind being alone. Right now I don't even mind the quiet. It's kind of nice..especially given the tension that has been the last few weeks.

On a day that I should have been allowed to mourn, weep, scream, etc., my mom chose to (rather selfishly I might add), get drunk. Though I should know by now to just ignore her words when she gets in a certain state, I interacted with her...and by interacted I mean I listened while she drunkenly told me the same story multiple times and then proceeded to start yelling at me about how I'm weak (for many reasons). She called me a drug addict who couldn't handle life. She repeatedly said, "fuck you" because she knows how much I hate when she says that to me. She also said something in the most sinister tone, in the most evilest of ways. She didn't just stick the knife in, she twisted it. So yeah, it was a pleasant experience.

After talking to a few friends from inside the safety of my closet, I decided to stay in my own apartment. It got so bad that she had nearly driven me from my own home. This is what I've been afraid of the last few months. This is what I'm still afraid of now. I don't want to have any underlying tension that causes massive blowouts every so often. Maybe she's right, maybe I am weak, because I just can't handle that sort of thing. There are just certain things mothers aren't supposed to say and she's crossed the line repeatedly. There's only so much forgiving I can do.

For now, she's moving with me to South Bend. She'll have her own bedroom, so maybe the extra space will do some good for the both of us. If not, I don't know what I'll do. Though it's not all bad, it's still a crap situation as it isn't ideal for either of us. I want to help my mom as much as I can, but I moved out for a reason. Our personalities just weren't meshing and she was dragging me down with her. I can't let that happen again.

Le sigh, le sigh, le sigh.

Brewing a Song

2011-05-23T20:35:00.003-05:00

Spending another night in a hotel room in South Bend. I can't sign the lease for my new apartment until mid June so I have a few more nights of hotels...Life's not so bad though. I just spent a considerable amount of time in a hot tub singing at the top of my lungs. Though the pool area is enclosed sound escapes rather easily--a concept which I forgot during my bubbly escapade. Oh well. Who doesn't want to be serenaded by an airy soprano who spouts Regina and Cohen songs at random?

In all seriousness though, I really needed to wind down and singing always helps. And singing in a bubbling cauldron of water? Even better.

Work was increasingly stressful today. I now have six projects that I'm working on and they all have deadlines that are way passed due. I'm working to catch up where my employer has gotten behind...and it's stressful. My boss asked me about how I felt towards a project today and the only word I could come up with was "daunting." That's sort of my feeling right now about work in general. There's so much to do, so much time that I have to make up...it's quite overwhelming.

With that being said, I'm really enjoying the work and love my coworkers already. It's nice to be in a younger environment. To some extent it's almost like grad school again. Except unlike grad school this shit's real.

That is all.

Ode to Divorce

2011-05-17T20:33:00.003-05:00

This is my third official week on the job and I'm finally getting a taste of what I'm doing. I'm currently working on five projects and am the lead on two of them--both of which are for six figure projects...which only stresses me out a little bit. This week, whenever I've gotten overwhelmed, I thought of Regina's lyrics: "break me to small parts, let go in small doses." Seems completely appropriate for the tasks I'm dealing with right now...And that's not only applicable to work stuff as I'm dealing with some issues in my personal life too.

It's hard to let go of some people, something of which I'm reminded of on a daily basis. Every time I see a mini cooper or hear Fidelity, among other things.

...

I just wrote a shit ton about Alex's impeding wedding and how that sometimes makes me feel but decided to delete it. Because the truth is, nothing matters. The situation isn't going to change. I could think about him all day or not at all and it wouldn't change the fact that we aren't in each others' lives anymore. And that's probably a good thing. I just need to maintain some perspective.

And until I quit getting pangs in my heart from cars and music, I'll continue to take Regina's advice--Break me to small parts. Let go in small doses.

2011-05-17T20:28:00.002-05:00

Be late.

Forget stuff.

Ignore people.

Gain freedom.

New job!

2011-05-09T20:24:00.002-05:00

Job Inteview....

2011-04-20T10:43:00.003-05:00

I have a job interview in less than one hour.

This is me slightly freaking out.

The job is for a research org located in South Bend. Dan hooked me up with the CEO because he knew I was looking for a job. After speaking with him yesterday, I'm kind of excited about the possibility of working there. Yes, it is 2 hours away...but Mr. Bossman said I could still live in Chicago and just maybe go to SB a few days a week. The salary is great, but there (as far as I know) are no medical benefits...which is no good. If though, I can stay on salary where I currently am until we close in the fall, I'll be able to buy a few more months of coverage...which would be nice.

I don't know...lots of factors to consider. If I had to be in SB for a few days, would I do it all at once and just stay at a hotel? Can I afford to do that? Would that be cheaper than driving back and forth (thx btw evil gas prices).

IF I get the job, they want me to stay on with my current job as long as possible. Can I manage two jobs...three including my teaching gig...at once?

So it's almost time for the interview. I keep telling myself that this is the part that I'm good at. Showing personality is what I'm good at. Being bubbly and boisterous and charming?

I got this.

And if I don't? This is a job that I've invested absolutely zero effort into obtaining...so no big loss, I suppose.

**see how I'm preparing myself for potential failure? better safe than sorry....errrr something**

cd of songs that haven't been on a mixed cd

2011-04-15T10:19:00.005-05:00

Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying -- Belle and Sebastian
Stay with Me -- Danity Kane
Sorry, So Sorry -- Howie Day
Melody -- Kate Earl
Falling Away With You -- Muse
People Got A Lotta Nerve -- Neko Case
Aquarius -- Regina Spektor
Silver Lining -- Rilo Kiley
Two -- Ryan Adams
I Don't Know What To Do -- Scarlett Johansson & Pete Yorn
I Died So I Could Haunt You -- Stars
Last Dance with Maryjane -- Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Arlington -- The Wailin' Jennys
Same Changes -- the Weepies
Time Of The Season -- The Zombies

yayay for memories

2011-03-29T22:26:00.003-05:00

Janette and the boys came up to see me last weekend. An unplanned and unexpected surprise!

We almost went into a photo booth, but realized it would have been difficult to fit two adults and two kids into a booth. Mayhaps next time.

For now, I still have these classics to look at...

The Sneakiness of Love

2011-03-13T21:37:00.007-05:00

I had big plans this weekend but had to cancel everything due to an unexpected bout of the plague. Really unfortunate timing to be sick because I've been in desperate need of some socialization. With the way things have been going at work and all the drama surrounding the grad school app process, when my head's not spinning it's being smacked against something hard or lying on a pillow or my desk (yes, I know--classy). Due to my awesome cold, I've literally been glued to my couch, watching a shit ton of movies...

Love and Other Drugs was an interesting film because it really captured the subtle process of falling in love. Sometimes you know it's coming. You can feel the chemistry developing with another person. And you don't want to fight it...you don't even try. It's futile anyway. And then sometimes it sneaks up on you. You do everything you can to ensure you're not headed down the relationship path. You both maintain some distance. You never put a label on what the two of you have or are. "Just keeping it casual." And that works for awhile. Until one day you wake up and find that you're constantly trying to not think about this other person that has you so...captivated.

You spend your time messaging back and forth random things--This is also the point at which you learn his dad loves you and his mother at least loves the idea of you. And you're not really sure how to take this news because, again...just keeping it casual. Regardless though, you can't help but get butterflies. Pretty soon you realize that you get them all the time when this person is around, physically or through the wonderful benefits of technology. And then, just like that (insert snap here) some pretty big emotions sneak in.

Emotions that might appear during a late night chat when one of you is at a conference and the other is drunk off her ass at a friend's apartment. You might confess that you think you love her. Even though it's only been a few weeks you've found yourself being inextricably pulled in. You love her relationship with your best friend and even appreciate her big personality. You're thankful for the opportunity to confess all of this because she won't remember any of it the next morning. But she does. Unbeknownst to you she spent the better part of that drunken state thinking about what everything meant, all the while lamenting the fact that her phone died while you were in an uncharacteristically communicative state.

Years later she still thinks about that night--It tops her list of most drunken evenings in public, so memories of it always surface when someone brings up the topic of extreme alcohol consumption. What would have happened if her battery would have held on longer? Would the honesty have continued? Or would the fear of the impending reality set in a bit too soon for comfort? What would have happened if you had acknowledged that connection from the very beginning instead of fighting it off for years? Maybe things would have been different. Maybe the two of you could have had something...different. It was already special. Maybe it could have been better though...

Sneaky love.

someone like you

2011-03-08T15:30:00.002-06:00

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Never mind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

2011-03-04T23:27:00.001-06:00

Just logged into AIM for the first time in forever. Two new messages. Haven't read them yet...sure it's probably nothing, but I've got a case of the butterflies...

Unrelated: I've been trying to sleep for the last 5 hours and have failed miserably. Ick.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

2011-03-03T20:46:00.004-06:00

What have I got to do to make you love me
What have I got to do to make you care
What do I do when lightning strikes me
And I wake to find that you're not there

What do I do to make you want me
What have I got to do to be heard
What do I say when it's all over
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

It's sad, so sad
It's a sad, sad situation
And it's getting more and more absurd
It's sad, so sad
Why can't we talk it over
Oh it seems to me
That sorry seems to be the hardest word

"everything's coming up redless"

2011-03-01T22:03:00.002-06:00

Yayay another song for me!! Big thanks to Rachel Zylstra!!!

RZ,

Whenever I get really stressed I resume an ongoing mission to find the perfect shade of red lipstick. I check every new cosmetic store I visit and even recheck the old ones, but to no avail. I'm starting to think my perfect shade will forever be elusive...always too pink or orange. Le sigh. You're a fashionable girl and your advice has been helpful in the past. What should I do?

Redless

{Lyrics}...

Dusty crimson, cardinal, cinnamon, smoky ruby, burgundy, plum, 'ripe rasberry', wine, wild cherry, scarlet, coral, brick and rust, burnished apple, blushing taupe, shades of pink like fuschia, mauve. Have you tested these and more and none has your destiny in store?? That is nuts.

Well when you find you’re fully over crossing this red sea like Moses - when you think you’ve had enough of this search not coming up the right shade of roses - give it one big last ditch effort. Gloves off now: big-city department-store it. Park yourself at the brightest counter and let a bored beauty consultant linger over you two hours. Have her make you up in every reddish hue under the roof (whether it’s a couple dozen or one hundred eighty-two). If, after this epic session - you still cannot find THE ONE, buy some product anyway and thank the lady – now you’ve won. You’ve discovered you and red lips are a pair not meant to be. Now, to find a brand new epic stress-relieving search, you’re free.

Amanda and Neil

2011-03-01T16:53:00.001-06:00

For those of you who don't follow Kevin Smith, but heart Amanda Palmer:

Enjoy :)

a day in chitown con mi madre

2011-02-16T20:58:00.002-06:00

Took the day off work to explore Chitown with mi mama. Went back to the Bahai Temple. Lovely!!

begin

2011-02-07T15:25:00.002-06:00

Hey, maybe the time
just wasn't right to hang on
When are you gonna learn
Things sometimes turn instead of turn out

Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
Me, with a head full of words
And not one useful expression
Hey, let go

We, with holes in our hearts
Were whole at the start
Our story began
We film ourselves 'til the end
Try to suspend our lives in the dark

Hey, when are you gonna stand
Stop looking over your shoulder
See, there's a sun in the sky
And a moon that will take us til morning
When are you gonna stand
Stop and begin this moment
Hey, let go
Will we be the ones to understand?

Happy Birthday Kyle!

2011-02-04T17:37:00.006-06:00

More choppy writing....

I drove down to Muncieland for Kyle's birthday last weekend. It was a whirlwind kind of trip. I think my head's still spinning to some degree.

As I was packing for the trip, I realized that all the people I care about had gone or are getting ready to leave Muncie...and it made me sad. Yes, I still have wonderful people who live in Winchester, buy Muncie was my home for so long. So many great people and memories...they're all disappearing now. Le sigh.

The evening began as so many had in the past. Kyle and I went out to dinner, had some margaritas and good conversation. On the agenda for this evening was wrestling (always a favorite), the complaints of being a teacher, and moving to Oregon (my alcohol consumption progressed the more in depth we got into this topic). He and Leslie are planning on moving to Oregon this summer. June.

He talked about how he needed to get out of Muncie, that he'd been there too long and that it was time to move on--all things that I understand. But Oregon? Why so far away? He's been there before and loved it, so I guess this is another one of those times when I should just be supportive and happy for him, right? Right. And I am. I'll just miss them. Especially Kyle. I've been trying to say goodbye to that boy for years now. For the most part I've been able to let go, bit by bit, piece by piece, so that our relationship is something different than it used to be. Which I think is a good thing...that we've been able to transition from friends to potentially something else back to friends.

After dinner, and watching some awesomeness at his apartment, we went to his friend's house for the party. Everyone was really nice. Even YG, who insisted on groping me multiple times, was good...because that's who Kyle attracts. Quirky yes, but ultimately good people. Because Leslie wasn't there, I felt like I was the stand in wife for a while, making sure he was okay, not getting overwhelmed, etc. It was fine for a while...until I became overwhelmed. More talking about moving away. It made me sad. I sauntered into the living room where a few folks were watching Stella (which is awesome btw) and there I stayed for the rest of the night. I had a few drinks, but nothing serious. (Even a teenager couldn't get drunk off my ciders.) I was just very...contemplative. I eventually got to the point where I was starting to lose the ability to put on a happy face so I headed back to my hotel room where I continued the contemplation.

Fight Club was on. I laughed at the irony as Kyle was the one who introduced me to the awesomeness that is that film.

I got a text from Kyle thanking me so much for coming. He said it was his best birthday ever. Smile. That's exactly how it should have been. Despite all my internal drama, he had a wonderful time. Perfect.

Side note: this is one of my favorite pictures ever. Love how my dress is all twirly!

A Cubic Zirconia in the Rough

2011-02-03T21:08:00.003-06:00

I had the strangest dream this morning. I think it was prompted by one of my friends posting that it was almost time for our 10 year high school reunion. What follows is the recap of my goofy/choppy dream. Don't read if you're opposed to thought/sentence fragments.

I asked Parry to be my date for the reunion. Being the awesome friend that he is, he agreed.

We drove down to Wintucky and stayed in the brand new hotel. Before the reunion we went to Walmart (because that's all you can really do there anyway). I pointed out a fake engagement ring and joked about how silly engagement rings are. Paying that much money just to show that you're "taken" until the real ring gets glued on your finger? Silliness. And the whole prospect of weddings? Bleh. I reiterated my firm stance on eloping.

Cut to: being at the gym of my high school...listening to 80s music (which is so not appropriate since I graduated in 2002). We were sitting with a group of my besties when Parry asked me to dance. I reminded him that I hated to dance, but for him I would make an exception. And I think the "don't you forget about me song" from Pretty in Pink was playing (I've got a soft spot for that song). We were dancing and twirling and dipping and having a wonderful time. He suddenly stopped and looked at me, very seriously, and commented on the awesome time that we were both having. He said there could be more good times...if we got married. I laughed it off, but he was serious. He explained that we'd been friends forever and we were essentially a perfect match.

The song ended.

We went back to the table--I sat down and he went over to Nate and asked him to help him out with a little project. Apparently in this dream I could see everything because I wasn't even present for the next part of the dream, just overseeing what was happening with Parry and Nate. They went to Walmart so that Parry could buy me the goofy ring. And he asked Nate to track down tons of fake rose petals and candles so they could decorate the hotel room.

Cut to: Everyone being back at the reunion. Parry came up to me, dropped down to one knee, and started saying the most beautiful things....about how I was giving and caring, how I understood him better than anyone he's ever met. How we were the perfect match for each other. Then he pulled out the cheesy fake ring and asked me to spend the rest of my life with him--because, though I may not believe in silly things like engagement rings or even weddings, his love for me was real and he wanted everyone to know it. I, of course, said yes. Everyone cheered and the rest of the night (literally) went by in a blur.

Somehow we ended up back at the hotel. He made me wait outside while he went in and lit the candles. The room was beautiful. He was beautiful. The whole thing was incredibly romantic. And then, just like that, I woke up.

So here's the thing, I know what prompted the dream (thanks fcbk), but I'm not sure why Parry was my suitor of choice. Perhaps it's because I've been thinking about him a lot lately because of his birthday. Or maybe it's because we still have this nice level of closeness that's always been there and I imagine always will be. Who knows? Anna thinks it's because of our history together and maybe she's right. Maybe I've got some unfinished business with this fella that I need to work through.

Or maybe I just need to watch Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion.

That is all.

Broken Door

2011-01-24T12:20:00.003-06:00

Came into work this morning to find that my office was broken into. They had our computers and printers ready for transport out the back door, but they must have gotten spooked because the only thing that's missing is a laptop.

The place was kind of a wreck because they trashed it looking for goodies, but there doesn't seem to be too much damage.

Weird things they tried to steal: postage meter and scale, spaghetti sauce from Trader Joe's, huge copy machine, 12 pk. of diet Dr. Pepper, microwaves, toaster oven....

Something else that's weird? They didn't touch my office--which has a brand new computer. They skipped over it and tried to steal a computer that was attached to one of the old big ass monitors from before y2k. Also, we still had all our old pcs sitting around the office, unhooked, just begging to be taken--and they weren't touched.

Le sigh.

I was already preparing for this to be a rough week. We were supposed to have a meeting with the boss of our boss, if you will, on Wednesday. Today was our prep day for that meeting...We called her to postpone it until next week due to our less than awesome state(s) of mind. I was actually looking forward to the meeting because it meant that we would have more answers about the future, but alas....it can wait until next week. Trying to regain that peace that I had over the weekend is more important right now anyway...

That is all.

Thanks Fate

2011-01-23T01:01:00.003-06:00

I had one of those strange experiences today that sort of rocked my entire world. I was picking up a sandwich for lunch and the man behind me started to joke and pretended like we were going to share a meal. We made small talk for a few minutes and then he asked me if I was going to watch the game tomorrow. I told him that I was invited to a party but didn't think I was going to attend.

Right away he told me that I should go, because spending time with people is what it's all about. They make you laugh, lift your spirits, etc. I mentioned that I could really use some of that right now because I was having a difficult time at work and that my job was being jeopardized.

And then....this wonderful stranger just started saying all the right things. Everything I needed to hear. He addressed all the concerns I was having, all the fears and anxieties that have been plaguing me. And he wasn't just talking about work. He was talking about everything that's been troubling me lately. As if he was reading my mind or something. It was quite remarkable.

He told me that I wasn't being given more than I can handle and that everything would work out. I gave him a hug before I left. A random man with kind words...

I cried on the way home, truly touched by what he had said. But it was even more than that. It was like he represented something larger....like it was fate that I met this man, that he and I were in the same place at the same time today. It felt like the universe telling me that everything was going to be okay. Yes, I know it sounds crazy...but I'm feeling more optimistic about the future today than I was yesterday--and that's important.

So yeah. Thanks Fate.

Um...Don't Count Me In

2011-01-23T00:45:00.003-06:00

It's been an interesting few days. I found out on Friday that the organization I'm working for may be closing...or moving to Detroit. The powers that be believe in the work that we do (a good thing) and want to attach us to a university (also a good thing). Unfortunately, due to politics they don't want to even approach universities in Chicago--one in specific that would be a perfect match--so they've asked Detroit Mercy if they'd like to have a research center...which would be created some time this year.

Le sigh.

I'm not exactly sure what this means. The director of my organization just read us a letter from one of the higher ups...we have a meeting on Wednesday to get more details. We can try to fight to keep the Center in NWIndy, but it may be futile. There's so much up in the air right now...I have no idea how concerned I should be. I could potentially be unemployed in a few months. Forced out into the workforce which isn't exactly a welcoming place right now. Yes, I could most likely keep my job if I wanted to move to Michigan, but who the fuck wants to live in Detroit? People that live in the city don't even want to live there.

I just started a new life in Chicago. New condo. New school (hopefully)...Because I planned on keeping my job, I only applied to schools here so I could stay close to work. To make things even more blah? I checked on the application deadline for IU in Bloomington. It ended last week. Because of the awesome Kinsey institute and the national reputation for their gender/sexuality program, it was my number one choice. Le sigh again.

My mom said I need to stop giving myself constraints, that I should essentially do whatever I want to do. I think if something terrible happens and I don't get in to one of the schools in Chicago, I'll move out to California. Hang with Keym and Nate Nate for awhile and maybe get closer to the action on human trafficking or protecting the environment.

So yeah. I've got a taste of what you're feeling 9.6 million Americans.

It's bitter.

That is all.

*Um...I'm not even pretending I know what it's like to be unemployed. Just the thought of it is scaring the shit out of me. Damn economy.

jar of hearts

2011-01-17T21:37:00.002-06:00

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And learn to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Brown Eyed Girl

2011-01-04T22:49:00.004-06:00

My mom just told me a fun fact about my great grandpa. Despite the fact that there are multiple grandchildren with brown eyes, he said that I was the only one who shared his eye color...that I was special.

Also, my sister and I have the same eyes. Color, shape, everything.

So yeah. Despite my whole sociology deal, it's nice to...I don't know. Appreciate biology once in a while.

That is all.

Losing the Chip

2010-12-31T23:24:00.004-06:00

I just deleted the tracker from my blog. Yes, I've had an invisible tracker on the site for the past few...gosh. Years.

So yes, dear reader, I have known who you are and how often you have visited. It was only creepy sometimes.

I originally put a tracker on the blog so I could keep track of who was....keeping track of me. What I learned is that my apparent target audience is exes and their exes (or current significant others) as they're the ones who frequent my blog the most.

I'm not sure what, if anything, I gained from having the tracker. The piece I wrote about the old friend lingering outside the house? A metaphor for how the tricky tracker has made me feel. That feeling of being watched from a distance. Slightly unsettling and oddly comforting at the same time.

So now what?

I've decided I don't want to see who's reading. Mainly? I don't want to see that Alex is checking in on me. I know he still will and there's no benefit for me to have that confirmed. I can't move forward if I still have ties like that holding me back...you know? Also, I sometimes found myself writing for him...rather than for myself...if that makes any sense, and I'd like to resume control of my own thoughts if possible.

I never got to have that conversation with Alex. Mayhaps one day I'll write about what I wanted to say, just so it's not trapped within me. But not tonight. Tonight my thoughts will be occupied by a plethora of other goodies.

So for now, that is all.

Adios 2010.

A Small Request

2010-12-21T22:22:00.003-06:00

I'm going back to Muncieland for the holidays and I want to talk to Alex. A harmless chat.

I just need to tie up a few loose ends. I've been thinking about it and I'm not happy with the way things ended and I'd like a chance to make it better. This is an entirely selfish request as it's mostly for my benefit--so that I can feel better about myself as a compassionate human being.

I've decided to put a time constraint on this little chat...if we don't talk by the end of the year, then it's just not going to happen. I've reached out, there's nothing else for me to do.

It's time to move forward.

That is all.

Sleepy Rambling

2010-12-21T21:31:00.003-06:00

My mom was supposed to come stay with me for Christmas but she decided to stay in Angola and not do anything....which makes me feel awesomely bad for multiple reasons. I think she's depressed because she's finding out that her new bf isn't the man she thought he was. Ouch.

I don't know what to say to her either. "I told you so" isn't appropriate and that's not what I'm feeling anyway. I'm not a huge fan of the guy because he's very inconsiderate of my mother's feelings, but I've been trying to accept their relationship if it makes her happy...but I don't think it is.

It's amazing what we put up with....what we're willing to settle for in regards to relationships. Even knowing that there is better out there--that we've had better, even knowing this we settle for the convenient, or something that appears to be ideal. It's just...fuck. It's just insane. But I've done it, we all have. And as much as I'd like to think I wouldn't just settle simply to have someone in my life to call my significant other/partner/whatev...who knows?

Who knows?

Birthday Ramblings

2010-12-15T22:01:00.005-06:00

My birthday was on Sunday. The big 27. Which isn't really a large number, it's the implications that go along with the age. Late twenties. Blech.

With each year that goes by, one hopes that a little insight is gained. That something new is learned or in some way obtained. Looking back over the past year, I can see that I've had some considerable insights, learned some new things...but there's something missing still.

I've moved to a wonderful condo in Chicago. I'm living in a beautiful city with lots of talented beautiful people that I'm lucky enough to call friends. I'm enjoying my job and and seeing a real impact from the work that I'm doing--which, I think, is all anyone can hope for. People are well, for the most part. Life is good.

But it's not great.

There's something missing. I've written about it before. I don't want anyone to think I'm ungrateful for what I have--It's just that I'm missing something. I'm missing the fire. Passion. Excitement. I want to be ignited. Entirely engulfed and overwhelmed until I feel...well, satisfied.

Am I just being selfish? Shouldn't I just be content with what I have? I know that I am very lucky...blessed even. But I can't help but wonder, is there something more? Should I be experiencing something even greater?

I wonder if we're only meant to have a certain number of those type of experiences. If we're only allotted a finite number because having too much of good thing would spoil us. Mayhaps that's why some relationships don't work out--because the passion between two people is just too great to sustain?

I'm sure these are questions that I will continually ask myself. And that's okay. Because I'm not really expecting an answer.

Side note: I blame a few people who have given me such wonderful experiences that I was essentially spoiled, completely overwhelmed by their passion, excitement, or love.

An Old Friend

2010-12-06T22:05:00.007-06:00

A soft noise disturbed her slumber. Something familiar but at the same time chaotic. The sound of a car door maybe? Certainly not. At least not at this hour. In her land people are in bed long before midnight. "Consequence of living in a different time zone," she always tells herself.

Tiptoeing down the hallway, as if her quietness mattered, she makes her way towards the living room. That's where the best view is, you see. Along the way she stopped to check the usual suspects for nightly noises--the cat, sleeping on the couch, seemed offended at the mere insinuation that it had been she that made the noise, and the freezer, with it's disturbingly loud icemaker, was actually silent (waiting for the bin to empty so that it could resume its work, no doubt). No no, the noise must of come from outside the apartment.

Now in the living room she leans over the arm chair, pulling the curtain back of the window overlooking the street. His car is there. Again. Just sitting there like so many times before. The whole scene is so quiet now. Just him watching her and she watching him. Now fully awake, she begins pacing back and forth. She does this for several minutes, all the while wondering why he won't come up and why she won't go down. When she returns to the window he is gone.

Overwhelmed by frustration of another night disturbed from slumber. Of more moments spent acknowledging their mutual presence but without communication. As she saunters back to bed she tells herself that she has done what she was supposed to do. She has bolted the windows and locked the doors.

Her security measures are pointless though as he still has a key. And he's had it for years. Being placed in various locations, on mantles and in candy dishes, this key has traveled with him. It doesn't matter why he's held onto it for so long. The point is he still has it, and because of this he can still come in whenever he'd like.

Even knowing this, she hasn't changed the locks...and she won't because, despite everything, he's always welcome. Even after midnight.

star matter

2010-12-06T22:00:00.002-06:00

Love gets started and next thing you know
It leaves everything else behind
Love sets fire to your schedule
And then calls an end to time

And love ain't far behind you
Love ain't far behind

And when we're parted it's always too long
And every time you come back you come back so strong
And as soon as we can we gotta go lie down
In that place where our breath is one sound

And love ain't far behind you
Love ain't far behind
No, love ain't far behind you
Love ain't far behind

And I was there to hear your bell
The first time it rang
And the beauty was the beauty of everything
Yeah, we are star matter from the big bang

And that love ain't far behind you
Love ain't far behind
That love ain't far behind you
Love ain't far behind
No, love ain't far behind you

Happy Christmas Tree!

2010-12-06T21:57:00.004-06:00

I put up my mini Christmas tree!

And this year I finally purchased some new decor. No more red bulbs for me :)

Ellerific!

2010-12-06T21:53:00.000-06:00

My sister from another mother gave birth this afternoon. My beloved Brittany had her baby today!!! Elleora "Ellie" Grace. I'm so excited for her. Everything went splendidly!

I don't have a picture of the baby yet...consequence of living so far away...Until then, a picture of the two of us at her wedding will suffice to remind me of incredibly happy times.

Fun fact: My old psychic told me that I was going to have a little girl*. Since then I've been planning on having a child named Emme Elle. True story. And I think Keym and Nate have discussed the name Elle as well. How fun is that?!

*But she's been wrong before. She also said I was going to marry Alex. Oops. Can't win 'em all.

Something Out of Nothing

2010-11-28T20:27:00.004-06:00

I went to Muncie today to spend some time with Kyle and Leslie. I picked them up at their apartment = not a big deal. After spending some quality time downtown we headed back to their place. The same building that Alex lives in....he was home.

I'm not sure why, but just knowing he was in the same building did all sorts of crazy things to my system. I couldn't even focus on The Office. Only making it through one episode, I came up with a lame excuse to leave, though I know they knew the truth. I was acting like an addict going through withdrawals...which I guess I still am. Sigh. That's one of the great things about friends though, they let you say whatever you need to say to make yourself feel better, even though they know what's really bubbling under the surface.

When I left their apartment I contemplated going up to Alex's. It would have been so easy. Just a few steps. And I do miss him. Frown. But I can't imagine what a conversation between he and I would even look like at this point. Would he welcome me in for a chat? Would he politely close the door in my face and remind me of our agreement? Or something more dramatic, mayhaps? I suppose it doesn't really matter now.

I let my thoughts linger for a few moments before forcing myself out of the door. A door, thank goodness, that conveniently locks as soon as it's closed. Essentially forcing me to leave. No second chances for a conversation. No exquisite hugs hello or goodbye. Nothing.

And that's what I left feeling...an overwhelming feeling of nothingness. Though I wanted to (for whatever reason), I couldn't cry. I could only breathe...

Which I guess...is something.

Something else? I don't know why, but it is always so much harder to have him "out" of my life than "in" it.

That is all.

why does it hurt so bad?

2010-11-19T10:05:00.004-06:00

Why does it hurt so bad?
Why do I feel so sad?
Thought I was over you
But I keep crying
When I don't love you
So why does it hurt so bad?
I thought I had let you go
So, why does it hurt me so?
I gotta get you outta my head
It hurts so bad

My life's been better since the day I left you boy
I must admit life's been kind to me
I went and did the things I said I would do boy
I found someone who loves me for me
Haven't had much drama since the day that we split boy
My heart's never been more at ease
And when I think of all the things you put me through
Leaving you has been the best thing for me

Never again that's what I said to myself
I never wanna feel your kinda pain again boy
Just when I think it's over
Just when I think it's through
I find myself right back in love with you

What is a picture worth again?

2010-11-11T22:15:00.011-06:00

Pictures are supposed to be worth a thousand words. That's how it works, right? But what happens when you can't find the right picture to express what you're feeling?

I found myself with this dilemma tonight...I was planning on changing my fcbk photo to something more fitting of my current state. Not surprisingly, I have way too many pictures of myself. It appears that I'm a closet narcissist...but we all kind of are though, in our own respective ways. Focus.

I came across a few pictures that completely caught me off guard. I shall call them Exhibit Glasses and Exhibit Who the Fuck Are You?!

You can decide which is which.

Though I know that these are pictures of me, I don't relate to them in any way. There's no attachment. There's barely a recognition of self...because to me, they appear so unlike...me.

So I was thinking. You know about all the superstitions surrounding having your picture taken...as if capturing a glimpse of you will trap part of your soul? Or, alternatively, that your picture reflects your true self?

What does it mean when your pictures are so drastically different...when they look nothing alike? Is my soul still intact as the image captured is not really my own? Does that mean that you...or I, as it stands, am far too complex to be captured in pictures?

Sigh. Or is it something much more plausible like...I don't know. I look different without glasses on....or the angles of my face appear different when I'm glancing in a certain direction.

One thing is for certain--this post contains far too many questions and only a few lame possible answers. As such, I quit.

That is all.

Random Stream No. 30493u

2010-11-09T23:41:00.004-06:00

i'm presenting at a conference in d.c. on saturday and am uber stressed/excited about it. whenever i go to the city i always try to do something new. i have no idea what to do this time...

my mom's coming up to move in with her boyfriend (whom she's only spoken with over the phone...though they did date 30+ yrs ago). i started to tell her that she was acting irrationally but i didn't want to be a hypocrite. i moved in with alex after knowing him for a month.

i think nathan fillion is sexy.

they're working on the pipes in my condo so having access to water is like a surprise :I

i watched the sound of music after work while preparing for my presentation. i could sing along to everything and it's been years since i've seen the film. i'm awesome.

i'm in love with our computer tech guy. he has beautiful green eyes and smells like laundry.

i have a small addiction to buying books. my stack of 'to be read' is getting a bit crazy.

i read thru some old notes on fcbk. it's surprising how much i revealed to folks (with exceptions of course) that i have minimal interaction with. one of my favorite notes detailed the eyelash curler gone awry in which half my lashes were snipped. good times.

i was supposed to go see kate nash tonight but my schedule has been too crazy. super bummed ;(

applying to phd programs is kind of a pain in the ass. still though, i'm excited.

i have a julie andrews melody in my head. with occasional pop up of regina spektor. i have no clue why.

i knew i couldn't be a doctor after i stubbed my toe and passed out. i was 8.

i believe in love at first sight.

though i'm leery of my mom moving in with a man who's kind of a stranger, it'll be nice to have her nearby...or just a few hours away. fingers crossed everything works out.

i hate the toesy socks. you know the ones i'm talking about. they're just weird. parry has shoes that are like that. i told him how disturbing i found them. i think he gave me a hug.

ugh. mental shutdown...

that is all.

No Linkages, Please

2010-11-04T19:04:00.004-05:00

Soooo my work computer has been out of commission for a few days and I haven't been checking my email as regularly as possible as a result.

I checked it this morning.

As I was weeding through what seemed like hundreds of emails, I came across one from LinkedIn. I created an account a while back but rarely check it. It's kinda like a fcbk for professionals but not nearly as interesting or time consuming.

Focus.

So the title of the mail? "Do you know Alex?"

Damn. It seems like I have to actively work not to allow thoughts of him to enter my head. No matter how hard I try though, I usually end up failing...probably on a weekly basis. Fate always seems to be tempting me to think about him, dangling little cues that prompt me to reminisce about fond/not so fond memories. Like today, why and more importantly how was the connection made through the site? It's just...it's just weird.

What struck me the most was not the sudden invasion of his name into my world again (though that did indeed induce heart pitterpats), but was rather the profound nature of the question. Do you know this person?

After much contemplation, I have decided that I do not know him...at least not as well as I thought. The Alex I know wouldn't be getting married to someone who used to be one of The Witches. He wouldn't be getting married at all. Not right now.

It's funny how we convince ourselves of truths, regardless of their veracity. Hm.

That is all.

What do you want from me?

2010-11-01T19:17:00.003-05:00

I can relate to this all too well...

Why’d you call me today with nothing new to say?
You pretend it’s just hello, but you know what it does to me to see your number on the phone.
Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

I get so tired of living like this.
I don’t have the time, neither do my friends,
To stay up at night, to pull me through,
And to find the things to keep my mind off of you.

So, now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Did you call to say you’ve found someone and I’m a used to be?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
If you’ve moved on why does it feel like I’m losing you again?
Can’t you see? So what do you want? What do you want from me?

What do you want me to say?
That I’m content? That I’m on the fence? That I wish you would’ve stayed?
Oh baby what do you want, what do you want, what do you want from me?
To come here and make love tonight cause you’re feelin’ lonely.
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we wake up and say goodbye it’s like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?
What do you want, what do you want from me?

Live Like Pitt (lame title ftw)

2010-10-26T23:37:00.007-05:00

I'm taking the GRE tomorrow. I'm only slightly freaking out. Ever so slightly.

I had a moment tonight to help put my...life in perspective a bit. Whilst studying yet another set of vocab words, I was watching a documentary on Nightmare on Elm Street. Apparently big stars like Brad Pitt and Christian Slater (if he counts as being a big star...) auditioned for one of the leads in the second film. They ultimately lost out to a literal one hit wonder movie actor...and the movie wasn't even that great--by far the worst out of the series.

So I was thinking...I could fail miserably tomorrow. Completely bomb the exam. But maybe, just maybe that wouldn't be the end of the world. Maybe my Thelma and Louise is just lurking around the corner. I mean, that totally worked for Brad Pitt.

That is all.

Title.

2010-10-15T22:40:00.003-05:00

I found out some bad news about an old friend tonight. Jessica is in a coma.

I haven't actually spoken with her for a few years. We're mostly just Facebook friends. When I heard the news though, practically everything from high school came rushing back. She was a big part of my life then. She was my first friend in a new place. She was my neighbor and even my coworker at one point. I listened to all the horror stories about her life. She stayed with me on more than one occasion when her drunken mother became too unbearable. I was the first person our guidance counselor told of her attempted suicide. So many rough times. A relationship like that, one that is built on such emotion, always stays with you...even if it's in the back of your mind.

Though I'm hurting, I haven't cried. I'm not sure I'm able to cry about real life anymore. I cry watching movies and television, but when it comes to reality? Not so much. It's like all the shit that has happened over the last few months has made me numb. I'm unable to process this situation because that would mean I need to acknowledge everything else that has affected me...and that's not something I'm sure I'm capable of doing. Or so it seems.

Among the many things that are tragic about this situation, because there are many, is that poor Jessica can never seem to catch a break. Raised by a whore of a mother, and I mean that in the most harsh, disgusting sense of the word, Jessica had a very difficult childhood. She bounced from one abusive relationship to the next. People that were supposed to look after her didn't. She was basically screwed in every way possible. Did I mention she also has an inoperable brain tumor and that she can't have children?

But that has never stopped her from being the most positive person I know. Whether she was really buying into the cheerful attitude she was selling, I could never be sure. Regardless though, she was really great at convincing others that nothing was wrong. Even when it was so painfully obvious that life was falling apart around her. Truth be told, that cheerful mask that I wore for so many years? I learned how to apply it because of her. She's taught me a lot. About optimism and friendship, pain and perseverance.

And I've never thanked her. I hope it's not too late.

a tie, a tie, a tie

2010-10-11T23:39:00.003-05:00

i want a tie. i want to wear a tie. there are a few problems with this though.

first, i don't have a tie. i bought one once. wore it too. alas, it stayed at alex's apartment when i moved out. i want it back now.

it was sexy too...if a tie can be sexy.

that is all.

Day 11: a recent photo

2010-10-11T22:30:00.002-05:00

Day 10: A photo from 10+ years ago

2010-10-11T22:29:00.002-05:00

Day 9: A photo I took

2010-10-11T22:26:00.002-05:00

Day 8: A picture that makes you angry/sad

2010-10-07T22:54:00.004-05:00

I painted this on my wall last year after a conversation with Alex. Though I don't remember being angry or sad at the time, it does stir up some of those feelings now. I'm just....I don't know. frustrated for reasons that I can't quite articulate yet.

Also--I really like the painting and am pissed that I did it directly on the wall. (I now have canvasses for when I feel similarly motivated to paint...)